Other posts from this Book Club:
Mid-Book Goal Making!
This was a good book for me to read the past few months.
Why?
Because to say that these past few months have been a challenge and a transition is an understatement.
Now, I'm sure the ladies in this Book Club were not expecting a "Dear Diary" post, but this book showed me many things that I need to work on as a person, as a woman, and as a spouse. So, alas, that is what you people are getting.
I sort of feel like a terrible person. See, the thing is, when I talk to all of my newlywed friends (as in people who have been married from now to a year ago--and believe me, there are a lot of them), they always exclaim to me, "ISN'T MARRIAGE THE BEST?! Oh my goodness! I just love it sooooooo much!"And you want to know what my first thought is? "No. It's hard."
Ha.
Okay, let me explain myself.
Tanner and I have completely different schedules. I teach 6th grade so I am gone all day. And he works almost every night. And goes to school all day. Which means, I rarely see him. We have no money, so we can't go out and do tons of fun things when we do see each other. But I do think the hardest part about being a newly married person is that I thought I would see my husband more.
Now, I do not want to put my blame on anyone else or anything else.
But part of the problem why this newlywed thing is so hard is because of the expectations of what I thought marriage would be like as a college student. I am a very independent person. I like to be alone. I need to be alone. I don't blame the church. Not at all. But it does make me mad of the picture of marriage they put in not only my mind, but the mind of every 19-25 year old LDS women's brains. They put so much importance on marriage and the temple that I feel like it stops there.
"Once I get married, it will all be okay...."
"I got married in the temple to a good man, so I'm set for life...."
Very rarely did I ever hear a talk, a leader, someone else, explain what life was going to be like AFTER that important step.
I did, in fact, marry a man who is perfect for me. In the temple. I made a great decision. I love my husband very much. But my whole life I was looking forward to that day. Where I got to spend eternity with my man, celebrate a wonderful wedding day. I do not feel like people in the church adequately express the hardships that people face after that day.
I thought it would be fun. I thought I would get to spend all day in bed with my husband. I wouldn't have to worry about friends or anything.
Now, I am not blaming that daydream on anyone else. Yet, every young adult woman I talk to has an daydream like this to some degree. Basically, many that being a newlywed is all fun and games.
Oh, how wrong I was.
Now, do not get me wrong. I have so much fun with my husband. He makes me laugh and we do have a lot of fun together. But being a newlywed is hard. At least, in my case it is.
I never see my husband.
When I do, we are both exhausted and tired and grumpy from such a full schedule.
I didn't think I would gain 20 pounds from birth control.
I didn't think I would spend all day on Sundays alone.
I didn't think I would do everything alone.
And it's hard.
It's lonely.
I do 90% of everything alone.
And like I said before, I love my alone time. But not when it's day in and day out.
I go to church alone almost every single Sunday. And whether people in the ward want to admit it, they don't talk to me. They say hi. They make random small talk. But no one really sits down and gets to know me.
I don't really have friends anymore. Part of it is because all of my dear friends live far away and they are just as busy as I am. I am a busy woman and it takes quite a bit of effort to socialize. I do it because I love my friends. But it's not the same.
And, so, I have realized, along with all of these other hardships:
There is not really a place for newlyweds!
Unless you are in a newlywed church or ward...we are just kind of stuck places.
I live in a ward, where people are so nice. But no one wants to really get to know us because we are "temporary." None of the women make tons of effort because I am "just a newlywed and want to be with my husband only." What they don't realize is that I need friends; I want friends. Yes, people invite me to things. And I am so grateful for that. But once I am there, they ignore me. I don't want to be invited so that you can feel better about yourselves. I want to be invited because people want to actually be my friend.
There's just not a place for newlyweds.
Being a newlywed is just a limbo stage of life.
I have talked to a few women who have explained that they had these same feelings as me when they were first married. Which, thankfully, makes me feel like a more normal person. But it's still a lonely, hard time. You have to learn to live and be with another person who was raised completely different than you, who is male (ha) and has a completely different personality. You have to learn to budget money on both ends. You have to appropriate set your expectations and communicate them often. You have to get up and be a real adult.
It's not all fun and games.
And as much as I feel like I was prepared for that, I feel like I was raised in this world where no one in my church prepared me for that. Yes, my parents did. But not to the extent of what I was going to experience.
I now know why women in the church have children so quickly after being married. Ha! Because when you are a newlywed, and your husband works and goes to school and is gone all of the time, women want to take that next step. Women finally have that place to connect with others.
While a newlywed, working schoolteacher--no one really wants to connect with that. I don't have kids. I work full time. Not many women can connect with that. You get what I'm trying to say?
Oh, it's just an emotional part of life.
I thought once I was going to be married, I wouldn't feel this way.
But I do. I think being lonely is one of those feelings I will struggle with for awhile.
But, for now, I hold on tight to what I have.
Which is why the Love Dare was so good for me (ah ha! I am back at it!). it made me realize the things I needed to work on to become a better wife. To not worry so much about the negative aspects of being a spouse, but to savor the special moments that I do have.
I am so grateful that I married a man who is patient with me. Who tries his hardest to be there for me, and be my biggest cheerleader. He never makes me feel bad for feeling the way I do. He always validates me and my feelings. He makes me want to be better and see the positive.
And I am grateful for that.
Now, if I could just see him in the evenings, that'd be great. Ha.
;)
xoxo.
This was a good book for me to read the past few months.
Why?
Because to say that these past few months have been a challenge and a transition is an understatement.
Now, I'm sure the ladies in this Book Club were not expecting a "Dear Diary" post, but this book showed me many things that I need to work on as a person, as a woman, and as a spouse. So, alas, that is what you people are getting.
I sort of feel like a terrible person. See, the thing is, when I talk to all of my newlywed friends (as in people who have been married from now to a year ago--and believe me, there are a lot of them), they always exclaim to me, "ISN'T MARRIAGE THE BEST?! Oh my goodness! I just love it sooooooo much!"And you want to know what my first thought is? "No. It's hard."
Ha.
Okay, let me explain myself.
Tanner and I have completely different schedules. I teach 6th grade so I am gone all day. And he works almost every night. And goes to school all day. Which means, I rarely see him. We have no money, so we can't go out and do tons of fun things when we do see each other. But I do think the hardest part about being a newly married person is that I thought I would see my husband more.
Now, I do not want to put my blame on anyone else or anything else.
But part of the problem why this newlywed thing is so hard is because of the expectations of what I thought marriage would be like as a college student. I am a very independent person. I like to be alone. I need to be alone. I don't blame the church. Not at all. But it does make me mad of the picture of marriage they put in not only my mind, but the mind of every 19-25 year old LDS women's brains. They put so much importance on marriage and the temple that I feel like it stops there.
"Once I get married, it will all be okay...."
"I got married in the temple to a good man, so I'm set for life...."
Very rarely did I ever hear a talk, a leader, someone else, explain what life was going to be like AFTER that important step.
I did, in fact, marry a man who is perfect for me. In the temple. I made a great decision. I love my husband very much. But my whole life I was looking forward to that day. Where I got to spend eternity with my man, celebrate a wonderful wedding day. I do not feel like people in the church adequately express the hardships that people face after that day.
I thought it would be fun. I thought I would get to spend all day in bed with my husband. I wouldn't have to worry about friends or anything.
Now, I am not blaming that daydream on anyone else. Yet, every young adult woman I talk to has an daydream like this to some degree. Basically, many that being a newlywed is all fun and games.
Oh, how wrong I was.
Now, do not get me wrong. I have so much fun with my husband. He makes me laugh and we do have a lot of fun together. But being a newlywed is hard. At least, in my case it is.
I never see my husband.
When I do, we are both exhausted and tired and grumpy from such a full schedule.
I didn't think I would gain 20 pounds from birth control.
I didn't think I would spend all day on Sundays alone.
I didn't think I would do everything alone.
And it's hard.
It's lonely.
I do 90% of everything alone.
And like I said before, I love my alone time. But not when it's day in and day out.
I go to church alone almost every single Sunday. And whether people in the ward want to admit it, they don't talk to me. They say hi. They make random small talk. But no one really sits down and gets to know me.
I don't really have friends anymore. Part of it is because all of my dear friends live far away and they are just as busy as I am. I am a busy woman and it takes quite a bit of effort to socialize. I do it because I love my friends. But it's not the same.
And, so, I have realized, along with all of these other hardships:
There is not really a place for newlyweds!
Unless you are in a newlywed church or ward...we are just kind of stuck places.
I live in a ward, where people are so nice. But no one wants to really get to know us because we are "temporary." None of the women make tons of effort because I am "just a newlywed and want to be with my husband only." What they don't realize is that I need friends; I want friends. Yes, people invite me to things. And I am so grateful for that. But once I am there, they ignore me. I don't want to be invited so that you can feel better about yourselves. I want to be invited because people want to actually be my friend.
There's just not a place for newlyweds.
Being a newlywed is just a limbo stage of life.
I have talked to a few women who have explained that they had these same feelings as me when they were first married. Which, thankfully, makes me feel like a more normal person. But it's still a lonely, hard time. You have to learn to live and be with another person who was raised completely different than you, who is male (ha) and has a completely different personality. You have to learn to budget money on both ends. You have to appropriate set your expectations and communicate them often. You have to get up and be a real adult.
It's not all fun and games.
And as much as I feel like I was prepared for that, I feel like I was raised in this world where no one in my church prepared me for that. Yes, my parents did. But not to the extent of what I was going to experience.
I now know why women in the church have children so quickly after being married. Ha! Because when you are a newlywed, and your husband works and goes to school and is gone all of the time, women want to take that next step. Women finally have that place to connect with others.
While a newlywed, working schoolteacher--no one really wants to connect with that. I don't have kids. I work full time. Not many women can connect with that. You get what I'm trying to say?
Oh, it's just an emotional part of life.
I thought once I was going to be married, I wouldn't feel this way.
But I do. I think being lonely is one of those feelings I will struggle with for awhile.
But, for now, I hold on tight to what I have.
Which is why the Love Dare was so good for me (ah ha! I am back at it!). it made me realize the things I needed to work on to become a better wife. To not worry so much about the negative aspects of being a spouse, but to savor the special moments that I do have.
I am so grateful that I married a man who is patient with me. Who tries his hardest to be there for me, and be my biggest cheerleader. He never makes me feel bad for feeling the way I do. He always validates me and my feelings. He makes me want to be better and see the positive.
And I am grateful for that.
Now, if I could just see him in the evenings, that'd be great. Ha.
;)
xoxo.
A-freaking-men!!! I'm feel the same and I've been married a year and a half! That in between, still in school, and not anywhere permanent phase SUCKS!!!! Church is hard for me too :( but I make do... I feel for you because I'm living it too! Hope you feel better! Xoxo
ReplyDeletedjpetersen1.blogspot.com
Oh Sierra! I feel for you girl! I definitely went through something super similar when I was first married. Being married is HARD. And that is SOOOO ok, because boys are weird and you have to learn to live with them. I wish that more people talked about that when they first get married. I thought that the newlywed phase was supposed to be amazingly awesome and we were just so in love that everything worked out, but that's not how it is! It's hard, and you have to learn how to communicate, and how to live together, and how to include another person COMPLETELY in your life. Don't worry about struggling right now, it gets easier! And it will definitely get easier when you get to spend more time together. Mostly, just know that you can do it! But always remember that it's ok if it's hard. Think about it. Marriage is supposed to make us better people, to help us get to the Celestial kingdom. Do you think something that important would be easy? So just remember that you can do it!
ReplyDeletePS. If you don't like your birth control, talk to your doctor about getting an IUD. They don't cause weight gain, or any of the awful mood symptoms. Plus they can shorten your period! You do not need to suffer just because a doctor prescribed you a certain medication. I had one earlier this year and loved it. So really. Talk to your doctor.
Girl, I definitely know exactly what you mean. Can I say this is one of the main reasons I hated Utah. We were in two different wards. one was a married students ward which i thought would be fun, but was terrible because it was all clickish, then a family ward ad you're right we are temporary so no one would talk to us. I know what you mean I want friends, I need friends. I need girl time, I've seriously struggled with this for the past two years of my life and it sucks. Now instead of school when Ryan comes home from his 12 hour day he has to work until midnight and then we go to bed. It sucks, and now we live somewhere that we can barely, literally barely afford to live. It seriously sucks, I love where we live, I love my husband, but I totally agree with you. its hard and I feel like I should be able to rely upon people in the church for help me and support me, but its not like that. I've been working really really hard to make friends here, my progress is kind of starting to pay off, two years later haha. As far as birth control goes I've gained 10 pounds, hate myself. However, birth control doesn't actually make you gain wait, it give makes your body thinks its pregnant and often results in increased hunger. Every birth control is different so you will have to find what works for you. I just got one called the Implanon and I love it, less side effects then the IUD and less invasive. Check it out.
ReplyDeleteHi Sierra, I just wanted to say that I read your whole post and I feel for you. I'm in a different situation, but I know how the reality can be hard, and I also know that everything will be OK for you! We got married a year and a half ago, and then we moved across the planet from Russia to the US. I left everything and everyone at home for the first time in my life not on a tourist trip, but actually just left. The first year was very hard. I can't complain much about my husband, luckily, we're really enjoying being together and I didn't notice any serious adjustments we had to go through after the marriage. He was and is my greatest supporter and the best friend. But I terribly miss my family, my home, my friends.. and there is just not much to distract myself with here: we live in a small town in Idaho at the moment, there is almost no one our age (and a few people of our age are single and it's just not working out to make friends with single young people as a family so far). I haven't had "girls chats/time/dates/whatever" in a year and a half. It's very lonely here, and also half the time I'm reminded of missing home when people point it out to me that I'm a foreigner.
ReplyDeleteSo here we are. Marriage is not what we expect, yes, but it's also very different for everyone. I hope you find friends soon, and your husband's schedule changes, so you can spend more time together. Sending you good thoughts and best wishes!
Katie
Also, sorry for the typos and such, I clicked Publish before looking back at what I wrote haha
ReplyDeleteI felt this same way when I first got married! I remember going to my married ward at BYU and not a single person would talk to me for three hours. Maybe they truly did want to spend time with only their husbands, but I was dying for friends and so lonely! I have a post going up later this week that is my best marriage advice from what I've learned over the past three years, and it is to let go of those expectations for marriage. Marriage is hard. Life is hard. But you have to accept the reality of the challenges you're going through, your own shortcomings, and the shortcomings of your spouse. It's important to realize that just because you and Tanner do not get to spend a lot of physical time together right now doesn't change anything. You guys are still a team, always united. There are going to be times where you resent his absence and feel guilty for your own and for your loneliness, but you have to realize that every sorrow of yours is his to share and vice versa. It can be hard to learn to come together in the hard times rather than pull apart, especially when you are already feeling barriers like opposite schedules. And it seems like you've got a great head start by marrying someone who is perfect for you! :)
ReplyDeleteComing from someone who isn't LDS, my experience has been totally different. I can't imagine what all that pressure would be like to be "perfect"! My husband and I lived together for two years before we were married, so when we finally did get married, nothing really changed. Well, that's not true. We actually lived apart from each other for 5 months after we got married because he went to grad school in another state while I finished my undergrad degree! I definitely do know what you mean about feeling lonely. After I moved out to be with him while he finishes grad school, I feel so lonely here in TX. I hardly know anyone and the people that I do know, I don't have "real" relationships with. It's so hard :( Just know you're not the only one feeling lonely!
ReplyDeleteI TOTALLY agree with this post. I haven't written about it yet because I'm not sure how to adequately express myself. I think married life IS the best. And I wouldn't have it any other way. But when I agreed to move 2 hours away from all my friends, I didn't know it would be THIS hard. I didn't know once you got married people stopped inviting you places because "you're married and only want to be with your husband." Luckily, we have almost the exact same schedule. I'm at school 9-4:30 and he works 8-5. But that's the reason I don't work, so we can be together in the evenings. And it's HARD for me to not work. Any new shoes I buy are on his dime, and that's been really hard for me. So yeah, it's hard, but it's also the best. Also , you live near SLC right? Cause let's be BFFs.
ReplyDeleteAmen, amen, amen!!!!!! First of all, this post is amazingly written! Second of all, so raw, honest and real, not like I'd expect anything different from you, you are not one to sugar coat things and I love that about you! ;) My first summer married was a little bit the same. Joe and I were both working full time jobs, he was home anywhere between six and eleven ever night, and it was never consistent. He worked four 10's at Target and then spent the other two days mowing lawns and running his business for however long it took to accomplish his stuff. I think I see him more now, we at least get Sundays together and I try to take all or at least half of Wednesdays off because it's his day off and we get to spend a bit of time together if he's not doing lawn care stuff. I've come to enjoy the couple of hours I get to myself after I get home from work every day because his normal schedule doesn't get him home until eight every night. I try really hard to have my blogging and homework done by then so we can do stuff together. But I still can't wait until he has a job that gets him home at a decent hour and when we both can spend Saturdays together doing family things and every night just hanging out.
ReplyDeleteIt'll never be easy, but the longer you're married, the easier it will be! :) You'll fall into a routine, schedules will get better, and you'll find ways to have time together! I'm glad you got a date night this weekend. Oh and P.S. the birth control weight is the worst :P I hate it too, but you know that. WHY can't the men be the ones to take it, they have an easier time staying skinny than we do anyway ;)
Love you girl!!! I'm here to go to dinner any time you want :) Well.. life is a little crazy for the next couple of weeks with the holidays and finals and end of semester stuff, but after that I'm taking a break so we can hang out :)
You are completely normal for feeling this way! I felt a lot of what you're feeling when I got married 10 months ago. I still feel that way sometimes now. No one prepares you for how hard marriage really is. Its probably one of the hardest things you will ever deal with in your life. But its one of the best too. The world makes marriage out to be a fairy tale ,but its really not. You have to share your whole life with someone else now. Your finances, your house, everything. You have new responsibility's. For women its mostly cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. & on top of that working full time and/or going to school. If you're blessed enough you will have a husband who appreciates you and helps you with the chores around the house. Some men don't see it that way! Then one day adding children into that mix it becomes even more hectic! I just can't imagine adding a child into my crazy schedule right now. But as hard as marriage is there will be those moments that make you sit back and see how blessed you are. Not that I am an expert on marriage by any means! But this is what I have learned so far. :) Things will get better for you! I just know it! :)
ReplyDeleteI love your beautiful honesty. There is power in your truth, girl! Thank you for sharing, so that single people like me can realize that marriage is a beautiful gift, but it does NOT fix everything. It's so, so easy to think that it does.
ReplyDeleteThankful for you and your words and your heart! <3
Sierra I LOVE your honesty and your venting. That's my favorite part about true honest and raw bloggers. I do have to say...I completely agree with you. I think MANY, probably MOST of women who say, "ISN'T IT THE BEST?" are saying that because everybody else says it. I mean, let's be honest. You're not going to come out and say, "it is so hard. Just so so hard." But I remember at Zupas, I asked you how you liked married life and you said, "IT IS THE BEST!" You see? I didn't think you were a freak for that by the way. haha! It's just...that's how people answer. It's accepted in society. Also. I totally agree with you about the conference talks EXCEPT, I didn't notice them until I got married. Why? Because I was so excited to get married someday. I was so excited and that's really all I paid attention to -- the rainbows, the butterflies, everything! But ONce I got married and realized that marriage was work, those conference talks stood out to me -- about serving your spouse, and being completely selfless. I think that's the hardest part about being married -- becoming completely and utterly selfless. Your whole life you haven't had to worry about anyone else, and now? It's all about them! Anyways, I think marriage is so so wonderful and I'm blessed to see my hub in the evenings and weekends. Could definitely be worse. We need to have a girls night again! You're so lovely and THANK YOU for this post. I love when people open up and be completely real and relatable!
ReplyDeletePS -- This is Amanda Schroeder. I'm on my work email. Oops!
DeleteI completely feel the same way, I just got married a couple of weeks ago. Or when we do have time off to go places my husband has homework or too tired to do things because of work/school and I get bored just relaxing. It's hard being in a ward where most are older and past the newlywed stage of marriage so you don't have people to relate to. You want friends still but you're married and are view as "unavailable" as a friend, it's hard. Girl, glad you posted this and glad I found your blog! (I saw your formal pictures on your photographer's website and thought you two were SUCH a cute couple and then I found your personal blog and I though... JACK POT! ;)
ReplyDelete