Dealing with a Diagnosis | PCOS

It's been quite the few years.
A lot has changed in the past two years of my life. I married the man of my dreams, moved to a new city, completely started my career and started, well, real adult life.

It's been amazing.
. I have a husband who I love more than life itself. I have neighbors and friends who are good, kind people. I love my calling and my young women and my ward. I live in a beautiful city. I have a job that I love. I have friends and in laws around me. I have a puppy whom I love. I am in a play and singing and acting often, which I love. I have a body that walks and is functional.


I have a body.
I am be grateful that I have a body that works and is functional.

But, because I'm not one to sugarcoat it, I need to let you know that it's been hard.

I am a very confident person. Very confident. I love my body for it's curves and the many positive things about it.

But one of the hardest struggles is looking into the mirror and watching your body change right before your and eyes and you don't know how it happened. And the worse part about it is knowing that it happened without you even really changing anything about your life.
It is discouraging. It is frustrating. It is so incredibly depressing.

I started taking birth control a few months before I got married.
I saw something happen. I saw my body changing, gaining weight. My hormones felt like they were completely out of control. I could feel my body going crazy and it was horrible.

I would cry myself to sleep at night thinking about how horrible I felt--on the outside and the inside. I could feel the people around me judging me…thinking, "Wow…you got married so you just let yourself go, huh?" When that was not the case at all. I was trying everything to make myself look and feel like how I was "before." But I felt self conscious, and well, for a lack of better words, crappy. People, family members and friends, even said things to me. And let me tell you, when you are already self conscious about something and you feel like those insecurities are exposed to the world, it makes you feel incredibly vulnerable and that all of your cards are literally out in the open for everyone to see. It doesn't make you feel very good about yourself, I'll tell you that much.

I would tell T Money often that something was not right. That something was going on with my body. I had no idea what was going on, but that something was not right.


Finally, I went and saw a specialist for my hormones. I needed to figure out what was going on.

I was diagnosed with PCOS, hypothyroidism, my insulin levels were extremely high, and my hormones were quite inconsistent.


Last week, when I was diagnosed, I got teary eyed when I found out the answers.
I felt like the past ten years, more specifically, the past two years, of my life have been answered.


PCOS stands for PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome.
Here is the 6th grade version of what it is:

First of all, my doctor is convinced that I have had this syndrome since I was about fourteen because I have had the signs for most of my life. The birth control I had been taking is essentially what jump started it and made my hormones go out of control. It made my PCOS "come out", if you will.

PCOS is when there are cysts on women's' ovaries (hence the name). The cysts are not harmful but lead to many hormonal imbalances.

In PCOS, the sex hormones get out of balance. The cysts create more androgens, therefore leading to more testosterone which causes acne and more hair growth.

PCOS has had a problem using insulin, called insulin resistance. When the body doesn't use insulin well (thats what is happening with my body) blood sugar levels go up. My high insulin levels were basically taking over everything I was eating. Instead of turning that food into ATP energy, it was automatically transmitting it into fat, hence the weight gain. This also correlates how I don't function when I don't eat. I have been that way since I was a little girl.

The hormones also affect the clinical depression that I have been struggling with since I was 14. There may be a chance that the hormones are stopping the serotonin and dopamine in my brain, hence my depression. 

I don't sleep very well--getting up often in the middle in the night, my irregular periods that I have always had, the severe, often migraines and the fatigue (I am always exhausted) correlates with it all. Now, I don't know if I have infertility problems, but we will cross that bridge when we get to that road. 

I am happy that I now have some answers. This doesn't necessarily mean it will solve all of my problems, but it is nice to know that I have some answers. 

But it's also been difficult because….

This all may sound childish or immature, but I hate that so much of who we are as humans is defined by our weight. It's as if someone gains weight, it makes them a bad person, or less of a person, and I can't stand that.

I hate that I have parents and a family that stress being skinny and looking good all of the time.

I hate that since my diagnosis I am being told what to do, what not to do, what I did wrong to receive this in my life. I am simply doing everything in my power to do what makes me happy and healthy--isn't that enough? 

I hate that I feel frustrated that I have yet another thing to deal with in my life. Call me unfaithful or whatever, but that is how I feel. I was fine for a few days and it's as if it all just hit this weekend. 

It's been a really good lesson for me, though. 

It's been crucial for me to remember that I am still beautiful, even though my body is not perfect. I am still beautiful amidst this diagnosis. I am still beautiful in many ways. I have to remember that, even when all sources from around me and inside of me are telling me otherwise. 

It's also been a good lesson for me to remember that you have no idea what people are going through. You have no idea why someone has gained weight. You have no idea what people's struggles are, either physically, emotionally, or mentally.

May we all stop and remember the good things about ourselves.
One day at a time, right? Thats all we need to do. Thats always been my motto.