Growth & Christmas.

I recently (and by recently I mean this entire semester) have been bombarded with trials.

I get trials. I'm a human (big shocker there). But for some strange reason, circumstances keep happening that have been exponentially more difficult than usual.

I finally, after a rough go, feel like I have some semblance of a grasp of my emotions, of these particular trials, that seem to have consistently come my way.

Once I feel like I have that grasp, however, something exasperating happens , and I am once again run over (metaphorically speaking, of course).

This idea of growth has been a constant struggle.
Through deaths and other recent personal battles, I have had to dig inside myself and find what growth truly means. 

First, I have began to notice that everything, in life, happens for a reason. As I am sitting here writing this blog, I am listening to Tanner on a recording. We send a recording device back and forth and it is so wonderful to hear his voice. I feel like he is sitting next to me, holding a conversation. It makes me feel a little less alone. It was, by no coincidence at all, that particular recording showed up on my doorstep (or in my mailbox. Po-tay-toe poh-tah-toe) on a day when I needed it the most. The other night, I had a "mental breakdown." I happened to text my dear friend, Allie, right before about matters that were completely unrelated. She called me and I lost it. It was humiliating, but I did in fact lose it. I don't think it was any coincidence at all that she happened to be driving by my apartment in that moment. I am grateful for her and her comforting words. I am grateful that the Lord placed her in that spot, at that time, and in my life general.
Growth is recognizing that the Lord has a hand in everything.  

Also, I have found my negativity to be wearing on others. And I feel awful for putting that on others around me. Sometimes this battle is a little too intense for me, so the negativity is my outlet. I have been given the opportunity to sing a solo in my choir's most recent Christmas pageant (This Sunday, Dec. 11, at 6 and 8. UVU Institute Building. Be there!) and I feel extremely inadequate to be doing it. I'm not entirely sure why. Probably because I feel inadequate in a lot of aspects of my life right now.
But, as I have been pondering, I had an epiphany. I think that's a part of growth:
Humbling yourself; feeling inadequate so that the Lord can strengthen you. 

I literally live my life one hour at a time. I have always been an organized person, but I live my life in a pretty spontaneous manner. But this, right now, is a time where I can only live my life one hour at a time. Because if I begin to think about everything (as I usually do), I become physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted.
But, I think that's okay! The Lord knows how much I can take right now. I know how much I can take right now. Sometimes I feel like I should be working harder, smiling more, being kinder, and being more compassionate and giving this Christmas season. But the important part about that is this: the fact that I am trying. He is happy when we all just try to do our best. He loves us. This holiday is to celebrate a perfect being who loves us perfectly. We can grow because of His immaculate, unconditional love. 

This Christmas season is all about celebrating the birth of our Savior.
Birth is a hard concept for me to wrap my head around right now. Whenever I hear someone talk about babies, I instantly think of Holland.
I recently received news from dear friends in Kenya. Joseph and Mwaka are our the main correlation between Kenya and Kenya Keys. They fed us and took care of us while we were in Kenya. They do so much for the organization and are two of the most hardworking people I have ever met. Their example is constant. They had been trying for 11 years to get pregnant. Finally, this miracle happened and Mwaka was pregnant when we were living there this past summer.
Long story made short, Mwaka delivered a stillborn. When I received this news, my heart ached. I know how desperately they had been aching for this child; and then to lose it. My sympathy and empathy towards their loss is unimaginable.
 I see others' lives (my sister and brother in law, Mwaka and Joseph, etc.) around me and I am grateful for the steps, for the trials, they are taking. They are a testament of growth; of allowing the Savior to mend you in a way that He wants. This melding, interestingly enough, will (and should) mold into what you want to become as well. Unfortunately, reality is a little more difficult  than that though. Often times we are unaware of why He does the things He does in order to allow us to grow. I think we all understand that we are given these trials for a purpose. But allowing them and humbly receiving them is a different story. As we celebrate the best birthday ever (yee!) this season, may we each include thanks for His birth, for His life, for His atoning sacrifice, for His death, and for His example.

"He knows all of my feelings; the depths of despair. All the limits my soul can endure. I will trust in His name, I have nothing to fear. For in Him, all my hopes are secure."

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!