Empathy.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day.  #WorldSuicidePreventionDay 

And I feel the need to talk, or well, write. 

Those of you who are currently struggling or have struggled in the past, I encourage you to write and share your story as well. I am inspired by all of the tweets and posts that I have seen today. There is good in the world! 

This is my story. 

Talking can be challenging for me sometimes. I know that this may come as a surprise to many of you because I tend to have no problem with this on a regular basis. But, when life gets the best of me, when I am feeling incredibly down or anxious or even angry  it is hard for me to find the words to say. No words that I express out loud convey the deep, emotional battle that I face sometimes. And, often times, it’s hard for me to speak out loud because emotion overpowers me. And as sad as this makes me, we live in a world where tears make other people uncomfortable. We live in a world that struggles with tears. Tears, in a sense, equals weakness. The last thing that I want to convey to others is that I am weak or to make someone else uncomfortable. 

It is also challenging to speak out loud because ultimately, when I do, the other person doesn’t have any thing of true value that makes me feel better. That sounds negative, I know. But what I mean by that, is the down episodes of my life, the hard times, if you will, are only ultimately overcome when I, Sierra, get through it with my own willpower and fight. Talking sometimes helps, but unless it’s to a therapist (and even then), the other person doesn’t help me feel much better. Only I can work on myself and grow from challenging experiences, such as my Depression Moments.

But I urge those of you who are struggling, to talk to someone. Anyone.  If you are feeling depressed, sad, anger, frustrated, alone, or a compilation of all of those feelings, go talk to someone. Share your feelings. Don't be afraid. 

I know what it's like to survive the roller coaster of mental illness. 

I know what it's like to want to end that roller coaster ride.

I want you to know that I have empathy for your struggles. 

I've been there. 

I feel empathy for what it's like to wake up in the morning and feel like it will take every last bit of energy to put your foot down on the ground and step out of that bed. 

I feel empathy for your frustrations in trying so hard to make others feel better that you forget to defend your own convictions. 

I feel empathy for you for feeling like a mental illness, or depression, or bi-polar is a trivial matter and that no one really cares. 

I feel empathy for feeling silly in sharing your struggles because so many others are dealing with exponentially more challenging issues, such as death, cancer, divorce, and the horribly crippling issues of this life. I know it's hard to feel like your issues are important. 

I feel empathy for working and going to school with people who don't understand. 

I feel empathy for working so incredibly hard at something and then feeling like the effort has not paid off. 

I feel empathy for those of you who even struggle to talk to a spouse. Having a mental illness and being married is very challenging. 

I feel empathy for the discouragement that you feel when you look in the mirror and hate what you see; whether thats weight gain, weight loss, or just a matter of physical changes. 

I feel empathy for feeling like you are losing control of all aspects of your life. 

I feel empathy for being frustrated and angry at the Lord. 

I feel empathy for those of you who have dealt with suicide of a loved one. I have watched it alter my family's life, and I know that it has changed yours. 

I feel empathy for when your life seems so bleak and meaningless that the last thing that you want to do is keep living; for when you want to take your own life. 

But…

I also know that life is ALWAYS, always worth living. 

I also know that your trials are YOUR OWN. Your emotions are okay to feel. 

I know that your issues are real, even if they feel "less than" compared to others. 

I know that the feeling of waking up and walking your dog on a brisk fall morning is one of the best feelings in the world. 

I know that a hug from your spouse or significant other can help that lonely feeling, if only just for a moment. 

I know that a kind gesture, letter, or compliment from a co-worker, friend, or family member can lift your entire day. 

I know that seeing the sunset every night is one of the most 

I KNOW that your pain will make sense to you one day. 

I know that things will get better. 

I know that you are a fighter. 

I know that you are loved. 

I know that the ups and downs of the roller coaster ride of mental illness is exhausting, but the fighting and getting through it makes you so much stronger. 

I know this and I empathize with you because I fought. And I am still fighting. And I am so happy because of it. I am grateful for the life that I have been given. I am not perfect, and I am continuously working on all facets of my life. But I'm living. Truly living. And I am so so so happy because of it. 

Real Life: "Down Episodes" of Depression.

I've written about my ten year journey with Clinical Depression on this blog many times. It's been a long time since I've talked about it. This was not purposeful, but simply that this "issue" that I possess does not overtake my life 90% of the time. I try everything in my power to not let this illness define who I am. It simply is a trial that I have been handed, that I have learned, unfortunately, will not go away; this is something that the Lord has handed to me to remind me of my strength.

I was diagnosed at 14. This does not mean I am unstable human being. I am a very happy, successful, stable person. It simply means that I have episodes of deep downs and I have to try everything in my power, with the skills that I have learned, to learn to get out of the "funk", if you will.’

But this is where the difficult part is. I have friends and acquaintances texting, Facebook messaging, and talking to me about this often. People know that this issue is something that I am very open with because it was others' experiences that essentially helped me heal. And here's what I try to tell every single one of them: Every bout of depression will eventually fade if you find things that work for you. And with every bout of depression, I am constantly learning what works for me and you will need to do the same. And here I am, after years, I am still learning about my Depression and all that encompasses it. You would think after ten years of dealing with this, it would get easier, but I assure all of you, it does not. So, this is my life. I am a happy, incredibly lucky person, but my real life involves me dealing with a lot of messy emotions.

Every "down episode" (that's what I will call it for now) feels so different. Sometimes it has to do with my life, sometimes it has nothing to do with my life. Sometimes there is a trial that triggers it, and sometimes it just appears. Every single time I have a Down Episode, it can feel so different. Sometimes, I am angry. Sometimes I feel more helpless. Sometimes I feel more sad. Every time, I am exhausted, though.

I have been in a Down Episode for a few weeks. And I have wished, I have pleaded out loud, in anger and frustration, in excessive humility and brokenness, to feel inner peace. And I can't seem to get it. I swear that I have read every single book, listened to every podcast, talked to multiple therapists,  talked to close friends and family who know me, prayed/read my scriptures, tried every religious encounter, exercised, been out in nature,  and other personal things to help in the past. I have done it all. And let me assure you, sometimes those things don't help. Unfortunately, that's how it works sometimes. You can do everything possible to "feel better" and nothing seems to work. When you are at that crossroads, it's exhausting. It makes you want to throw in the towel and not try anything.

For those of you who want to know what a "down episode" is like…here is an example of everything that I have felt during a depressive episode:
-Excessive Anger. Towards the Lord, towards my husband, towards old friends who have seemed to hurt me, towards myself.
-Extreme Sadness. The kind of sadness where it feels like a dagger is slowly pushing through my heart. Ever been broken-hearted or gone through an ugly break up? It is EXACTLY that feeling, but with no "heartbreak" to blame it on.
-Anxiety: Anxiety attacks, heart racing, heartburns.
-Self Deprecation: belittling myself and thinking horrible things about myself. "I am overweight so I am clearly not good enough, I must be a huge screw up in my life." "I can't do anything, so I don't deserved to be loved by friends and family." "I am not social enough so friends don't reach out to me anymore and want to be my friend." (all legitimate things I have said to myself).
-Exhaustion: Sleep is the only thing that I can mentally do.
-Spontaneity: I want to not think and just do things. I want to go on an adventure, do something random, etc.
-Physical ailments: I've been so down that I have gotten sick. This happens more than you think. Often times, my body just shuts down and my body can't take it.

Everyone's Down Episodes are different, others feel only a few of those, or perhaps even their own unique feelings. But, essentially, that's a simple breakdown.

Sounds ridiculous, huh? Believe me, I know. And even though, logically, I know that my life is wonderful and that I have wonderful aspects about myself, this is what happens.

And it's horrible.
It's absolutely horrible.

It's horrible to sit here, typing this, in sheer agony, and feel my heart breaking in half, and I’m not entirely sure why. To feel so much pain, but I’m not entirely sure how to put it into words because I know that others don’t truly know how I feel.

And even though I want The Big Guy Upstairs to reach down and just physically hug me and tell me that this will be over and that I won't feel this again and take all of my pain away, I know that it won't happen. Because I have been through this agony. I have fought through this pain MANY times in my life. And as alone and lonely, I feel, I know that I will get through. I am a fighter. I am more than this. And this will return. I will fight this illness forever. And others may not understand it, and others may judge you for it, everything will be okay. 

So for those of you who are fighting this with me at this moment, because I know there are so many of you who are, I want to leave with you my mantra I have written down. And even though I don't necessarily believe it at this moment, if I keep faking it until I make it, I know I will come out on top.  And you will too.

You are enough. You are a beautiful, talented, loving, fun, funny, successful woman who has many gifts you still have left to share with the world. You have many people who love you and want you to be happy. You are enough. 

That, my readers, is all I have for you tonight. 
And for now, I sleep. 

What is your mantra? 
What do you do when you want to heal? 

Word Vomit | An Internal Battle.

My students have this bad habit of speaking everything that comes to mind. Literally. Everything. It's quite annoying. But all of the time I tell them to stop word vomiting over me. That they don't have to say everything they think out loud to the whole class.
But, alas, I am going to word vomit all over y'all.
Hope that's okay.

I've been kind of emotional lately.
It's not the outwardly over-the-top emotional where I cry at every tender thing, kind of emotional. I have been feeling a lot internal struggles recently. Isn't that what a lot of our struggles are, anyway? Internal. Struggles that not many people know about?
 I'm not entirely sure why I have been feeling a lot of feelings. It's not that I am depressed or sad. In fact, I am so incredibly content and happy with where I am in my life. After yesterday's post, I am so overwhelmed with love and gratitude for all of the supportive, kind, thoughtful responses I received. It's amazing what writing from the heart does. It's simply that I have had a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head and heart. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Its simply that I have been weighted, in a way, by these feelings and thoughts.
I can't even begin to tell you where they came from. It's sort of just hit, like a pile of bricks.
And like I stated before, it's not that I am sad. I'm not crying all the time, or mad at someone all of the time, or even bitter to any extent.
I just have been feeling a lot. I feel things very deeply all of the time, but this is different. It's an even deeper feeling. This happens from time to time. And I have found that sometimes it starts with stress and exhaustion. Today I was gone for 13 hours. Ha. And I thought I would have time to do a play! I have this desire and urge to get back on stage; to sing and perform. But right now that's not really an option. I need to savor my energy and put that energy into other things. Right now that is my teaching, my health, my calling and young women, and my relationships.  And I have to remind myself that it's okay. It's okay to not do everything that I want. I have to let some things go, and right now that is going to have to be it. Priorities, baby!
I have recently been feeling sadness because I feel like my effort with friends is completely disregarded. I feel like old friendships are dying, even when I make effort, and that its difficult to make new friends, especially when you're married without kids! I feel like in order for people to socialize with me, I have to do everything, and even when I do, I don't feel like I am treated the way that I should be by friends. And it's disheartening. Tanner said to me other night, "Who's your best friend?" And I almost lost it. Because, even though I have so many amazing friends. I don't have that one best friend. The one who I can call any time about anything. And it makes me sad.
I have recently been feeling angry that I can't seem to get the energy or time to lose this weight that I have been, literally, carrying around.
I have recently been feeling exhausted because I feel like I am constantly on the go. I feel like I am running nine million ways. And they are all good, worthwhile, important things, but alas, I do feel that way.
I have had to make quite a few changes in my lifestyle since summer: with my testimony and religion, with my sleeping and eating habits, with my time management, with my thought processes, with my classroom, with this blog, and much, much more. Change makes me think a lot and that may be a factor. Again, I need to remind myself that it's okay for change to happen. And it's okay to feel the things I do. I am not a weak person for having lots of thoughts and feelings, even if others may not be that way. 
I just have to keep reminding myself to think good thoughts. I am doing so many good things in my life. I am working hard to be better, in all facets. Isn't that what life is all about? 

One of my favorite things to do when I feel this internal battle is go to my Pinterest and scan my Life Quotes, Overcoming, and My Faith Boards and look at some quotes. I find that it gives me perspective on life.
Plus, I am obsessed with quotes. Don't you agree?
Here were some of my favorites this evening:  (yes, I narrowed it down from 50 to like 20. Be proud).

Sigh.


What are you some of your favorite quotes?
Do you find that quotes help you in your life? 
Do you ever have periods of time like this?