This One Topic.

There's something exquisitely painful (yet also, liberating) about letting someone go. Of realizing that you don't need them in your life. And even though you have spent hours, days, even months, thinking about this person...those thoughts eventually begin to fade.

I have the tendency to fall for guys who don't reciprocate the same intense feelings as I do.

Let me rephrase that: I have seen a repeated pattern from myself of liking the proclaimed "jerks."
For the ones who won't commit. For the ones who don't necessarily treat me the way that I deserve. Why is that? Because of one reason:

Nice guys scare me.

I am intense.
I am sometimes a little too much to handle.
I feel things way too deeply.
I'm loud. I'm crazy.
And I don't want a guy I feel like I can walk all over. Often times, it's the "nice guys" whom I tend to control, mostly because they let me.

But I've turned over a new leaf.

I have realized that a part of the reason why I like the "jerks" (and sometimes that's putting it nicely) is because I'M doing something wrong.

I used to put all the blame on past guys I've dated--their mistakes, their lack of growth, their cocky behavior. But I had an "ah-ha" moment the other day. (Note: I just watched Inception. Best movie EVER. I seriously cannot stop thinking about serious topics and my life and my reality since watching it. Hence this blog post. ha)

Realization: I am not working on myself enough.

[How does this correlate? ]

I have found recently that I have been in a funk.

I feel stuck.

And it's because I don't feel any progression internally.

I've been going through the motions. I haven't been strengthening my testimony, I haven't been doing anything super productive (outwardly or inwardly), I have been selfish and only thinking of myself.

And we all know that without progression, regression happens.

And that is about to change NOW.

I won't be able to move on from past relationships, I won't be able to have future relationships, if I stop my physical, mental, emotional, spiritual growth.

I will continue falling into the trap of unhealthy relationships unless I change the actions I am currently taking.

Moving on, in my opinion, is one of the biggest indicators of strength. Past mistakes or behaviors don't define us; they refine us.

I am currently trying to get out of the quicksand of laziness.

I've been here before.

And I have gotten out of that mode of depression.
I know I can do it again.
With strength and consistent effort, I have already begun to see tiny baby steps of attaining my potential.

I am getting out of the quicksand that always seems to reappear in my life.

And once I get out of it, that is when wings appear and the jerks disappear.
THAT'S when I move on.