Sunday Confessions: Consistency.

I was reading my bloggy-friend, Alyx's most recent post about Sunday Confessions. 
And while I was reading it this beautiful Sunday morning, I started realizing that there were some things I wanted to get off my shoulder. Except mine are a little more serious than hers. Love me anyway?
See, I have a lot of blog posts that have never been published. I often write on here to express all of the emotions I feel. It releases some sort of negative energy from my body. 
But, this one needs to be explained.


Last night was a rough night for me. My day started off super positive (hello, cinco de mayo!). I slept in, I went for a nice long run, did some laundry, planned a gospel doctrine lesson, organized some things for school on monday (yuck), etc. I got to have dinner with my Aunt Michelle who I haven't seen in years. It was a perfect "me" Saturday. I, then, met up with some of my absolute favorite people in the world. To not bore with you the specific details, essentially it came down to us watching the meteor shower and every person having their own special need. Whether that need consisted of attention from a boy, being cold, having a good time, etc. Sometimes I feel like it's my duty to make sure everyone is having a good time. I'm very aware of others' feelings and if everyone is enjoying themselves, I can physically sense it. You know that talk about someone's "energy". Well, I totally believe it. I am highly affected by the energy, or the "feeling", in the room. I have yet to find out if that is a good or bad thing.  I found that there were about 6 different stories, or needs, taking place in this large group of people and I was trying to fulfill all of them. Except, I eventually just shut down because I felt as though my efforts were being wasted. I felt as though one friend was mad at me, one friend was annoying me, one boy was not noticing I existed and so on. 

See, there were some hilarious moments. So ridiculous. Ha

I broke down on my drive home. And I had no idea why. I mean, I know I was frustrated and exhausted, but I knew it was something more.
And then I realized that something.


I crave consistency in my life. If there was one thing that I could change about myself, it would to not be so inconsistent with my millions of emotions. You see, I feel things very deeply. I am very affected by others in the room and the situation at hand (Yea, I think I just realized this was a negative thing). I wish, more than anything, that I wasn't so affected. I wish I could discount everybody else. I wish I didn't feel things so deeply. I wish that I was more consistent with my emotions. I know that I can change my attitude and perspective and I do work on it. I truly truly do. But, sometimes, I cannot help it. I'm going to be completely honest with you all: I hate it. I hate being so affected. It's not that I care what others think of me, because I really don't, I just hate being so affected by others' issues, feelings, etc.  I wish I could disregard things. I wish I could separate myself from them so that I didn't have to become so emotionally involved. 
This continual thought process only continued to make me upset, then. Sometimes I feel like I am out of control. My friend, Allie, tells me all of the time that I present myself as very "put together." And even if that is the case, often times, my inside is screaming with constant chaos. I have 9 million things running through my brain and heart most of the time. Analyzing, thinking, feeling. Because even though I present myself as very put together, sometimes, inside, I feel completely lost. I do have my stuff together, don't get me wrong. Now, I know this may come off like I am en emotional wreck or a mess. But I'm really not. I swear. I like to think that I have worked very hard on my "stuff" to be where I am at today. I think I am a hard working, put together girl most of the time. Just sometimes these things overbear me and these kinds of nights happen, ya know? 


With this lack of inconsistency I feel, I started realizing that I have never received that firm consistency from anybody in my life. Old roommates, friends who I thought were in my life forever but than totally disproved themselves, past boyfriends, current love interests, family members. (Side thought: Is it because I surround myself with inconsistent people?) It sounds so simple, though: All I want is some consistency from other people. But it's not that simple. If I am still working on being consistent, isn't everybody else, too? But than it's a constant cycle. Because I am willingly allowing this need for consistency to negatively affect my relationships.  


I had a friend last night openly explain that she missed our other friend. Right in front of me. As though my relationship, our night, was not fun enough, or good enough for her. It hurt. Again, it felt like all of my efforts were wasted. It kind of makes me want to throw in the towel and give no effort to anybody. Ever. This inner inconsistency that I feel and that I receive from so many other people in my life started to take it's toll last night. It, ultimately, has made me feel inadequate and not good enough at times. It felt as though because I am not perfect, I, then, am not good enough, or not fun enough, or not wise enough--so other people treat me and see me differently. 


I was angry. So cliche, right? But I was. And I'm still trying to figure out where to begin. I know it begins with my relationship with God. He is perfect. He is the most consistent thing in my life. All of those times where I have not been consistent in my relationship, He has been consistent with me. Always. Talk about a slap in the face. Ha. "He knows all of my feelings, the depths of despair. All the limits my soul can endure."He knows what's going on in my head and heart at all times. He knows that I am trying my best. And I guess that's all that matters. But it's hard to not have some tangible consistency from those whom you love and care about. He knows my weaknesses and can help turn them into strengths. I just want you all to know, I guess, that I am trying. I am working on myself. I want to be the best version of myself as possible. Inconsistent or not, I am trying. 
And I keep telling myself that's all that matters: that I am constantly progressing and working on myself. And progression takes a form of inconsistency.

What, then, is the true gospel of consistency? Change. Who is the really consistent man? The man who changes. Since change is the law of his being, he cannot be consistent if he stick in a rut.”

-Mark Twain.

Ha. perfect. 

How incredibly fitting is that quote?

I challenge each of you to work on your consistency--in your actions, in your behaviors with others and with yourself. Let's fight this fight together ;)

linking up here

Happy Sunday.

xoxo.