on my mind.

I just wrote a blog post that took an hour.

I just erased it all.

I didn't like what I wrote. 

It's weird. 

Usually I can express how I am feeling in words. blah. 

The perfectionist is coming out right now. 

So here are some quotes that I have read/heard this week that can say what I am feeling right now a lot better than I can at the moment:

"I don't care who gets the glory as long as  we do the work"-- I need to have this mentality. Because I definitely don't. I need appreciation. I need reciprocation. And sometimes I hate it. I wish I could just do something nice without secretly wishing for appreciation in the end. Am I terrible person for that?

"The only way we can truly be happy in this life is to live His gospel. To turn to him. To take the time to find Him. Ultimately, to know that he has calmed your fears and made you whole again. You can't change others lives or bring them to Christ until you find Him yourself." --Sigh. Need I say more? I need to trust Him to help calm my troubled heart and my fears. It's amazing what developing a friendship with the Savior does to us. That relationship is the cause for everything else that is good in my life. I recently have been frustrated with those close to me due to a lack of loyalty. He is ALWAYS loyal. Always. 

"The Lord only upgrades." --upgrading. It's hard being a single 21 year old in provo. Yep, I said it. Dating gets discouraging and I constantly feel like I am doing something wrong. However, if I am doing what needs to be done, He will consistently upgrade whoever comes in my life. He never downgrades. Only upgrades. How true is that? He has something so much better in store. Everything happens for a reason. 

"Humility is signing up and actively choosing for the Lord to change you." Sometimes I have a problem bargaining with God. I know it's wrong but I find myself doing it anyway. "If you do this for me, then I will do this for you." Humility is realizing your faults and asking the Lord to show you the way to change them. 

So here's what I've concluded: 

.....A fundamental layer of my happiness depends on those few close relationships in my life; of that closeness. My friendships, my family, those are all separate aspects of my life, but they all seem to give meaning to the reality of life. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe that's a bad thing. Which ever one it is, these relationships are important things in my life.  

Sometimes when I am sad and trying to deal with life, I have unassigned blame for no one. it's selfish, but survival takes a sense of self absorption. I think of how frustrated I tend to feel; towards others for avoiding my sadness, for blandly saying things like suffering makes you stronger. Sometimes it's too hard to take your own grief. 

But, I'm not saying that I (we?) try to forget about the pain and sadness that comes our way in life. Of course we can't. But you take the sadness with you, you keep moving and you integrate it into your life, and the burden gets lighter over time. Happiness takes as much practice as unhappiness does. It's by living that you live more. And sometimes happiness stems from those moments when sadness appears. I learn happiness through those moments of sadness, as emo as that sounds. 

But you keep fighting.

I keep fighting. 

Why?

Because they didn't call me Sassy Pants growing up for no reason.