Dealing.

Sadness is a difficult feeling to grasp. 

Being vulnerable is a difficult thing for me.

But I am allowing myself because I need to write this. 

Bear with me.

Depression is a messy illness (or whatever you want to call it). Maybe we can call it a trial? Illness has such a negative connotation to it, I know. Here's a little secret though: everything about depression is negative. 

Everything that accompanies depression: sadness, frustration, loneliness, lack of energy, irritability, lack of desire, selfishness, unable to feel in control, lack of confidence, distance, numbness, anger, etc. is in fact, negative. 

It is utterly debilitating; unexplainably destructive. 

Completely unable to deal with emotions, I called my sister. I didn't want to call her. I didn't want to call anyone because I hate putting that burden on other people. But, I attempted to hold it together as she validated every feeling that I couldn't seem to describe. 

"Think of it this way," she explained. "It's as if you have a constant bag of rocks on your back. You are, literally, carrying this burden with you every where you go."

As I have continued to think of this metaphor, it only becomes more real. 

Sometimes, rocks fall out, or are even taken out from the Lord, and the burden seems to get lighter. But it never completely goes away. 

That bag of rocks is an ever constant load weighing me down. 

There are times, when the backpack seems to dissipate. I feel as though a burden has been completely lifted. I feel at peace.

But, without fail, that bag of rocks returns. No matter what. 

It's a frustrating feeling, knowing that no matter what amazing decisions are made, depression reiterates its existence in my life. 

There is no cure for depression. I cannot explain why I have almost no serotonin or dopamine in my brain. There are methods to help dispel the pain, but it may be something that is stuck with me for a very long time. 

I didn't choose to feel this way. I didn't choose to have to this trial. But it's been given to me. And I'm trying my best to deal. 
My good friend, Hillary, described it perfectly to me today. 
"It doesn't get any easier with every bout of depression, it almost gets harder. And when you're in it, it feels like you're never going to get out of it and this is just the remainder of how your life is going to be. We swim in hopelessness when we are depressed. Anyone who thinks you can control it or it's just the "energy you put out into the universe" has no comprehension of reality. It's not about what you can control because it's a physical impairment. Your body isn't producing what you need to get by. And medication doesn't necessarily help. It's a vivacious circle that feeds off itself. Depression makes you feel hopeless and hopeless makes you feel more depressed."
I couldn't explain it any better. 
I have been here before. I know what all of this feels like. These feelings are nothing new. I feel like I should know what to do to make it go away, but it doesn't work like that. It's disheartening because I  feel as though I can't hold any semblance of a relationship in the midst of this. I try to remember the good times, though and wonder what I was doing differently; where I fell off the wagon to make this cycle start again. These relationships are lacking because I almost get bitter and resentful towards other people who are feeling genuine happiness; not because I am a bitter person but because it's not "fair" that some people (who are undeserving) are getting all of those wonderful things while I continue to feel worse. 

One of the most difficult and frustrating parts about depression is the lack of control I seem to feel. I am a confident person. I have had this illness since I was 14 years old, so it's almost as if it's a natural part of my life. I know methods to ease the pain, but nothing (at least not yet) has allowed it to completely disintegrate from my life. But there are days, quite literally, I cannot seem to fathom the positive aspects of myself. There are days when living does not even seem enjoyable (don't worry, I don't mean it to be like that.) My confidence in all of my abilities is completely erased. I'm not pretty enough. I am fatter than the rest of my friends. Boys don't like me. I didn't get a good enough grade in my class. 

Nothing I do is good enough in my head. Sounds so ridiculous, right?

It is. 

It is absolutely, irrevocably ridiculous.

That's the problem though. It's a constant cycle. I attempt to build my confidence back up, but than the smallest thing will trigger it and I will spiral back down. 

With depression, a trigger can be anything. For me, currently, it's often a relationship not being validated. I see a friend (or friends) not living up to what I want--did you catch that?

Not living up to what I want.

Me. Me. Me. 

Depression is selfish. 

I have these expectations. Whether it be for myself or for others. And when those expectations are not met (which they usually aren't), that is when the trigger goes off and I lose all control of my stability. Sometimes, I can literally feel myself going further down. 

It's as if I am watching and listening to somebody else take over my body. 

And I know who that somebody else is: it's Satan.

It is Satan telling me that I am not smart enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough. 

And Heaven (or hell) knows I don't want him to win. 

Being a stubborn, driven and determined girl, I become frustrated as I watch that spiral fall into a deeper crevice. 

Depression makes me a victim. 

And that, my friends, is the last thing that I want to be.

I take a look at everything that is happening in my life and it never completely lives up to it. I'm not sure what it entails, but it just never lives up to it. 

I am constantly disappointed. 

I am disappointed in other peoples' insecurities and actions.

I'm disappointed that my friends & family aren't loyal enough to me.

I'm disappointed that I keep gaining weight.

I'm disappointed that I can't do what I want to do with my life, which is travel.

I'm disappointed in myself, for feeling this sad so often.

I'm disappointed that somebody else cannot take this burden from me. 

There are days when it is literally difficult to get out of bed.

I have found the best way to cope with this is by taking my life one thing at a time. 

And if I get up out of bed, go to school and choir and that's it.

Then that is good enough. 

I have to allow myself some leniency. 

There are times when my heart literally feels as if it is breaking.

We all know what it feels like to lose someone we love so immensely. That aching, that pure agony that accompanies it, is absolutely devastating. 

That is what depression feels like. But on a more constant basis.

Depression is just grief without a reason. 

When people ask me: "What's wrong?" How am I supposed to respond: "Oh nothing, just depressed." 

I can't respond that way because it's not politically correct. 

What people fail to realize is that depression is just like any other illness. 

If I say, "Oh I have a migraine," then people understand. Then that's okay to feel down. 

But if I were to say, "Oh I'm just really sad today; dealing with my depression," people would respond with: "Then just snap out of it. Let's go make you happy!"

Oh, how I wish it were that easy. 

I hate being that girl. The one who is constantly crying when a depression week hits. 

Here's the thing though, friends: Some days are good. Some days are bad. Some months are amazing. Some months are awful. Some hours are wonderful. Some hours are hell. 

There is no black and white solution; I take my life as I am feeling then. 

That's all, really, I can do. 

There are times when I feel completely numb. It's as if I am just walking through the motions. Because when I stop (and sometimes I do) it's hard for me to get back up. 

Depression is weakening. 

People tell me all of the time how strong I am. But to be completely honest, I feel weak. 

I feel weak because I don't, in times of need, always turn to the Lord. 

I make stupid mistakes when I am down sometimes. 

I make it worse for myself sometimes. 

It's so much easier said than done when I'm feeling like this.

Because as I am on my knees talking with Him for hours on end and I wake up the next morning feeling the exact same way...

it's disheartening. 

And it makes me angry. 

It just makes me angry sometimes. 

As silly as that sounds, it does.

But, I have to allow myself to feel everything, otherwise I will feel nothing. 

I'm tired. I'm physically and emotionally drained in my "depression moments."

I'm lonely because I want somebody to lift this bag of rocks from my back. But they can't. I just want someone to take one rock off. But they can't. The only people who can are me and the Lord. But it's a lonely process. Because no words, no other person, no other thing, can take the pain away. 

I am a happy girl. Depression is not my natural demeanor. I feel things so deeply. I have a huge heart, but sometimes that is the problem. My dad told me once, "You may feel the lowest lows in life, but you also feel the highest highs." I know my emotions so very well. Depression has allowed me to know myself extremely well. I know how I am feeling at every minute of every day. And I know why I'm feeling that way. There are wonderful things that come from this. I know myself so very well. 

I don't write this do gain pity. I don't write this for all of you to feel sorry for me. I write this to simply explain.  To help others out there have a semblance of understanding to the inner workings of depression; the complete chaos and confusion encountered (3 points for alliteration). My head and my heart are constantly spinning at a million miles an hour and it is nearly impossible for me to describe everything in words. And if I attempt, I fall into a pattern of incessant crying. And let's be honest, nobody likes that. 

It is uncomfortable. 

It is sad. 

It sucks.  

I wish I could explain it more vividly, but this is all I have for now. I did my best.  

We all know what it's like to have a broken heart. We all know what it's like to have pain. And I'm not discounting anybody's pain. I just want others to try to understand mine. 

I cannot ask "why?" Because this is my trial in life (or one of them). The Lord has handed this to me so that I am able to be even stronger. The Lord knows that I can take this pain and that I can use it for my benefit; for others' benefit. 

I know that I have felt all of these things for a reason. I know that I am going through this so that something greater can happen in my life. Who knows, the Lord may just be preparing me. No, let me correct myself, the Lord IS preparing me. I know it.

And I'm so happy that He trusts me enough to go through this. 

"There's a peace I've come to know. 

Though my heart and flesh may fail, there's an anchor for my soul,

I can say, "all is well."

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain 
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise.
I will rise." 

Listen here.