I'm dreaming...

of a green Christmas!
Where: Beautiful Portland, Oregon.
Why/When: Home for the Holidays! 
What: Workout, eat treats, Christmas festivities, and be with family and friends. 
Three weeks without school. Best Christmas gift ever. 
...I'll keep you posted on life. 

Downtown Portland waterfront

my backyard. 

P.S. And for your entertainment, click HERE .

This is a song (one of my favorites) from the Christmas Nativity Show that my choir put on. It was wonderful. I'm sorry if you missed it!

What THIS Christmas Means to Me.

{I just had this feeling that I needed to post this. No idea why. Excuse the intensity.}
There is something so raw, so exquisitely painful and real, about letting go; letting go of an intimate relationship, letting go of a loved one,  or even letting go of the past. 

Sometimes when words seem to fail and tears are all that seem to be apparent, we need to turn to someone, something, for support and strength. 

I think I found it this Christmas season.

"And so this Christmas I'll compare the things I felt in prior years

To what this midnight made so clear: that You have come to meet me here.

And the first time that you opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior?
And the first breath that left Your lips,
Did You know that it would change this world forever?

To look back and think that This baby would one day save me.
That you were born so I might really live.
And I celebrate the day
That You were born to die 
So I could one day pray for You to save my life. "

Relient K - I Celebrate the Day

dying...completely dying from laughter.

ha ha hahahahaha.
(ignore the title)

Growth & Christmas.

I recently (and by recently I mean this entire semester) have been bombarded with trials.

I get trials. I'm a human (big shocker there). But for some strange reason, circumstances keep happening that have been exponentially more difficult than usual.

I finally, after a rough go, feel like I have some semblance of a grasp of my emotions, of these particular trials, that seem to have consistently come my way.

Once I feel like I have that grasp, however, something exasperating happens , and I am once again run over (metaphorically speaking, of course).

This idea of growth has been a constant struggle.
Through deaths and other recent personal battles, I have had to dig inside myself and find what growth truly means. 

First, I have began to notice that everything, in life, happens for a reason. As I am sitting here writing this blog, I am listening to Tanner on a recording. We send a recording device back and forth and it is so wonderful to hear his voice. I feel like he is sitting next to me, holding a conversation. It makes me feel a little less alone. It was, by no coincidence at all, that particular recording showed up on my doorstep (or in my mailbox. Po-tay-toe poh-tah-toe) on a day when I needed it the most. The other night, I had a "mental breakdown." I happened to text my dear friend, Allie, right before about matters that were completely unrelated. She called me and I lost it. It was humiliating, but I did in fact lose it. I don't think it was any coincidence at all that she happened to be driving by my apartment in that moment. I am grateful for her and her comforting words. I am grateful that the Lord placed her in that spot, at that time, and in my life general.
Growth is recognizing that the Lord has a hand in everything.  

Also, I have found my negativity to be wearing on others. And I feel awful for putting that on others around me. Sometimes this battle is a little too intense for me, so the negativity is my outlet. I have been given the opportunity to sing a solo in my choir's most recent Christmas pageant (This Sunday, Dec. 11, at 6 and 8. UVU Institute Building. Be there!) and I feel extremely inadequate to be doing it. I'm not entirely sure why. Probably because I feel inadequate in a lot of aspects of my life right now.
But, as I have been pondering, I had an epiphany. I think that's a part of growth:
Humbling yourself; feeling inadequate so that the Lord can strengthen you. 

I literally live my life one hour at a time. I have always been an organized person, but I live my life in a pretty spontaneous manner. But this, right now, is a time where I can only live my life one hour at a time. Because if I begin to think about everything (as I usually do), I become physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted.
But, I think that's okay! The Lord knows how much I can take right now. I know how much I can take right now. Sometimes I feel like I should be working harder, smiling more, being kinder, and being more compassionate and giving this Christmas season. But the important part about that is this: the fact that I am trying. He is happy when we all just try to do our best. He loves us. This holiday is to celebrate a perfect being who loves us perfectly. We can grow because of His immaculate, unconditional love. 

This Christmas season is all about celebrating the birth of our Savior.
Birth is a hard concept for me to wrap my head around right now. Whenever I hear someone talk about babies, I instantly think of Holland.
I recently received news from dear friends in Kenya. Joseph and Mwaka are our the main correlation between Kenya and Kenya Keys. They fed us and took care of us while we were in Kenya. They do so much for the organization and are two of the most hardworking people I have ever met. Their example is constant. They had been trying for 11 years to get pregnant. Finally, this miracle happened and Mwaka was pregnant when we were living there this past summer.
Long story made short, Mwaka delivered a stillborn. When I received this news, my heart ached. I know how desperately they had been aching for this child; and then to lose it. My sympathy and empathy towards their loss is unimaginable.
 I see others' lives (my sister and brother in law, Mwaka and Joseph, etc.) around me and I am grateful for the steps, for the trials, they are taking. They are a testament of growth; of allowing the Savior to mend you in a way that He wants. This melding, interestingly enough, will (and should) mold into what you want to become as well. Unfortunately, reality is a little more difficult  than that though. Often times we are unaware of why He does the things He does in order to allow us to grow. I think we all understand that we are given these trials for a purpose. But allowing them and humbly receiving them is a different story. As we celebrate the best birthday ever (yee!) this season, may we each include thanks for His birth, for His life, for His atoning sacrifice, for His death, and for His example.

"He knows all of my feelings; the depths of despair. All the limits my soul can endure. I will trust in His name, I have nothing to fear. For in Him, all my hopes are secure."

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

Life...

happens. Love and Words help. Here's what I've been learning. 

from me: 

I never want to be angry; I never want to let fear control me. Sadness will come. It will definitely come. It is a part of life, a part of what makes us, well, us. Embrace it, learn from it, and don't look back on those times with negativity. Don't curse all sadness-- that it should have never happened. Take those things near, hold them, but don't let them overpower you in a way that ends up destroying your entire being. 

and the scriptures: 

 "...if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if heavens gather blackness and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know though, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." (D&C 122:7)

Christlike Christmas Characteristic (3 points for alliteration) that I (we?) are going to work on this week: 
compassion. 

P.S. I LOVE CHRISTMAS TIME. 

Christmas Songs.

Happy December!

I have decided to make a playlist of some of my favorite Christmas songs so that you can spread and savor Christmas cheer through music!

I have so many thoughts that I want to write currently, but they are so jumbled that this is all my brain (and heart) can handle right now.

So, enjoy! Eat your little heart out, sing a long to these songs, and illegally download away! Let's just all be honest here (Tis the Season), we all do it. 

Oh, and you're welcome.

Celine Dion: O Holy Night

Celine Dion: Feliz Navidad

Celine Dion: Don't Save it All for Christmas Day

Okay, you know what...just ALL of Celine's Christmas CD. Moving on. 

David Archuleta: I'll Be Home For Christmas

David Archuleta: Melodies of Christmas 

David Archuleta: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas 

Yep, all of David's Christmas album too. 

Chuck Berry: Run, Rudolph, Run

Faith Hill: Where are You Christmas?

Glee: Last Christmas
Justin Bieber: Mistletoe

Josh Groban: Silent Night

Josh Groban and Faith Hill: The First Noel 

(Yep, you guessed it. All of Faith and Josh's album too)

Kelly Clarkson: My Grown Up Christmas List

Mariah Carey: Jesus Born on this day

Mariah Carey: Joy to the World

Mariah Carey: All I want for Christmas is You (big shocker)

(Okay, AND all of Mariah's album)

Michael Buble: Cold December Night

(Yea...and Michael's entire album...)

N'Sync: Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays

N'Sync: Oh, Holy Night

(All of N'sync too...have you noticed the pattern yet?)

Paul Mccartney: Wonderful Christmastime

Sarah Mclachlan and Ingrid Michaelson: Winter Song

Taylor Swift: Christmases When You Were Mine

Martina Mcbride and Martin Dean: Baby, It's Cold Outside

Michael Mclean: The Forgotten Carols (entire album)

Sara Bareilles: Love is Christmas 

Stevie Wonder: What Christmas Means to Me

Brenda Lee: Rockin Around the Christmas Tree

Savior of the World: Look On Me This Day & Come, Lord Jesus Come.

Do you have any other songs you absolutely love and would like to share? These are just some of my absolute favorites. 

Oh, and here is a picture of my choir and I singing with Michael Mclean at the Forgotten Carols.

I love Christmas time.

And Christmas music

And the Savior. 

That's all. For now. 

Oh, My Heart.

I saw this video a couple of minutes ago.
It's a miracle that I didn't start bawling.
This hits a little too close to home right now.



Two Years from Hailey Haugen on Vimeo.

A Yearly Adventure and a Grateful Heart.

I wanted to write all of Thanksgiving break. I figured I'd have all the time in the world to get everything down.

I just wasn't sure where to begin. 

It was as if I had so much to say, but then nothing at the same time. 

Every time I would think about writing, I'd become exhausted. Just the thought of getting all my millions of emotions written down in some semblance of order made my body completely incapacitated. 

And I hate writing blog posts that are meaningless. Because as much as I truly love others enjoying my perspective, my thoughts, and my writing, this is, after all, my perspective, my thoughts, and my writing. I want to look back at every post and think, "Wow. That's what I was learning from life." 

I am very humbled. And I have a very grateful heart.

I just didn't write a "Thanksgiving post". Why? No idea. 

Probably because I didn't want to be just like everybody else. 

Shocking. 

Landon and I drove to San Diego to see Mckenna and Paul for Thanksgiving this year.

I'm not going to lie, it was a difficult trip. My family is still dealing with the loss of Holland. Dealing with that loss allows a lot of other dysfunction to occur. And it's hard to ignore that when we are all placed together. I found myself wanting to be on my own, in my own space; a true solace for this "break."

However, it was still enjoyable to soak up the 80 degree weather.
It's amazing how much I realized that, in spite of the dysfunction, my family are some of the few people that will allow me to act in any manner and still love me the next morning.

 Isn't that what family really is all about? 

Patience in midst of the yelling.  Unconditional love in spite of our individual trials. Learning from each other's faults. 

I am grateful for the Ainge clan for those messy reasons. 

On the drive home, Lanny (he loves that nickname) and I came across some "issues" with our 1998 Volvo Volkwagon, Veronica. Needless to say, we were stopped on the side of the highway in the middle of the Nevada Desert. We still are not entirely sure what is wrong, but we stopped every twenty minutes to let it cool down because it was overheating. But we had to make it to Vegas, so we continued the trek. Once we arrived in Vegas, our family friends, the Royals (you guys are awesome. Thank you!) drove us to get a rental car to continue our adventure along the way. 

Writing this does not seem like it was an ordeal. I assure you, however, that this was the longest road trip of my life. I can't help but think back to last year's Thanksgiving Ordeal. This seems to be a trend for Landon and I. I guess we are not meant to drive over this holiday! As we discussed, we will not be driving anywhere for Thanksgiving Holiday again. Ever. If we are to travel, we are flying. Haha. 

As I was driving at 1 o clock in the morning, a Dr. Pepper at my side, and absolutely nothing to look at due to the blackness of night, I began to ponder. 

We were mocking our parents for going into "parent freak out mode" as they tried to figure out how to help us. But in reality, how lucky are we? That we (I) have a father that will drop anything--time, money, a worried heart, in order for us to get home safe. In order for my brother to get home to get a good grade. Talk about sacrifice. 

I was so grateful to have the opportunity to even be in sunny San Diego. 

And I was lucky enough to have a delicious gourmet turkey to eat earlier that week. 

The list could go on and on and on...and on. But you get my point. 

I chuckle as I think about all of this.

That it's true. Through ADVENTURE (a yearly one, too. There has got to be a scientific name for an annual occurrence such as these!) we learn who and what is important. 

 Through these adventures we learn that the trials and dysfunction are what make us human.

And through these adventures,

we learn how much we truly do have to be grateful this season. 

P.S. I'm just grateful I can listen to Christmas music without people yelling at me now. 

A Girl Can Dream.

I have this problem. 

Okay, well, let's focus on just one of them. 

I'm a dreamer. 

And no, not the "follow-your-heart-you-can-make-dreams-reality" type of dreamer. 

I mean, for example, today I dreamed about teaching french to a bunch of ten year-old children in Paris. In my head, I miraculously came home from a perfect day at school with little french girls in their dainty dresses, while singing french songs and having a very french-y (?) rendezvous with them. My apartment was filled with colors and happy flowers. It looked something like this: 

Not to mention, I was greeted by a very hot (that's a technical term) french man in the doorway. 

I, then, sat at a cafe that (naturally) was right below my amazingly cheap priced European flat, while correcting papers and eating a croissant. Let's not forget that I was wearing this: 

Because, ya know, I live in Paris, so I have wear the most splendid, fashionable clothes. 

Oh, to be a teacher in Paris. 

Forgive me, let me correct myself.

Oh, to be a teacher in Paris in my mind. 

ANYWHO. 

My point is, that, my dreams are very unrealistic. At least, for the current financial and emotional stage of life that I am currently in. 

There are so many things that I want to do, to experience, and go through. 

So, I want to fill you in on this list...

1. To prove my point that was stated above and 2. To prove it again.

Teach and/or live in Europe. (shocking)

Teach and/or live in a big city.  (Preferably in Boston in New York or at a poor school where   a blonde, white Mormon, girl (that's me) would be the minority. Think Freedom Writers) 

Go back to Africa every summer and do humanitarian work. (My heart aches thinking of Kenya)

Live in a white house with a porch and a willow tree that has a lake in it's backyard. (This includes a few acres with horses as well. Oh, and a gazebo. Think Forrest Gump) 

Skydive. (Psh, yea.) 

Be on Broadway. (Hey, this could happen while I'm teaching in New York. Should we just move on?)

Learn sign language. Maybe Spanish. Maybe French. 

Move to that Big City (see #2) and become a famous actress or singer. (Ya know, either one)
Be a hippie. Live on an Indian Reservation. (those don't correlate, I know)
Write a novel. 

Run a half marathon.
Visit every state in the United States (this includes every LDS temple).

Learn how to sail. 

Attend at least one major sporting event: NBA championship, the Olympics, etc.

See the North Stars. 

Have a beach house. 

Learn how to draw. Learn how to cook. Learn how to be domestic. (HA)

Go on a hot air balloon. (yes, I have never done this)

Teach someone to read- DID  IT. DONE. Africa. Boom. Check. 

Get married in the Portland LDS temple. (maybe this isn't a realistic one? I am, after all, 21 and not married in Provo)

Relearn how to play the piano.

Get skinny. (meh)


I'm not entirely sure if some of those are just my natural dreaming self or not...
Yikes. I just disproved my point. 
I am not a very good arguer. Well, at least we learned that today.
Okay, so, most of my dreams are just idealistic. Is that a better word?

Today, we had a mountain man who lives in a cabin in Canada and hunts animals come and visit. I wanted TO DO THIS.  Let me repeat that: I wanted to this, people. What is going on? I thought is sounded exhilarating, adventurous, and different. So I guess we can add that to our list?

I think I'm going crazy. I have all of these eccentric things I want to do. I recently have had these random bursts of energy. I will cook, clean, workout, be productive. And then I will crash; literally then have zero energy the next day. I feel like something is wrong... I think it's my coping mechanisms. Quite honestly, one day, it is literally impossible to get out of bed. The next day, my amount of energy is out of control. This up and down cycle is happening because I think I'm just trying to deal with everything. It's been a hard month. A really really hard month. I think the dreaming is occurring because it's a coping mechanism as well. I dream of Holland, Ryan and Meme a lot. I think I am subconsciously feeling the pain for my sister and brother in law. Does that sound too freaky? 

And because I have to bring 72.6% of the things I do back to brain typing:

INFPs tendency to be idealistic and romantically-minded may cause them to fantasize frequently about a "more perfect" situation. They are constantly looking for "something more."

Ere a go, the list above. Yep. See what I mean? I better marry rich. 

P.S. When writing a parentheses with comments after a sentence (the parts of this blog that have the cynical, dry sense of humor) does the period go before or after? Can I just ignore the period? I'm a grammar nerd, but I can never remember this one. Ever. Bri, I'm sure you'll answer this. 

Alright, So...

I really really REALLY do not want to be one of those girls who is constantly "figuring things out."

Do you know what I mean? 

You know, one of those girls who is pensive every second.every hour.every day. The one who analyzes every person and every situation because "everything happens for a reason." (Because, quite frankly, this life doesn't work like that. Sometimes things just happen.  For example, when someone decides to be mean... it's because they have decided to be mean. That's it.)

But, alas, I have started to be come that girl. Due to certain circumstances and exceptionally uncontrollable emotions, I have become quite fragile and quite...stuck. 

Let me explain. 

Things have been kind of hard recently. Because of all these deaths, I think it triggered some other aspects of my life. 

When you deal with hardships, especially with death, you not only grieve for the loss of that person, but also for the others around you. You also grieve for the loss of what is missing in your life. And I think I have realized the lack of many aspects in my life. 
I will not go into much detail regarding what I feel is missing, but it's been a process that has enlightened me. There are some things that I definitely need to work on. There are some things that I need to go and do in order to get out of this "rut." 
This entire process seems like a positive one, right? I am finding my "inner self" and now can move forward and work on it.
Well, although the above statement true, it has been quite the battle. 
It is lonely, hard, and tiring. 
I walk into my apartment and my roommates completely disregard me. Is it because I don't make the initial effort? Probably. Because heaven knows, it's not as much fun to be around someone who is figuring out some hardships. Welcome to college. 
I have family members, that amidst this conflict, I won't hear from for weeks, even months if I don't make the effort. 
But I'm not going to go into that right now. Ha.


It's been quite awakening to realize what happens you stop making the effort.
I have been divulging this experiment. I attempt to not say hi first. To not start conversation. Essentially, stop being Sierra. Ha. 
Call me cynical. Call me bitter. Call me angry. 
But that is sort of what I had to do. I have, honestly, stopped making effort to see "who steps up their game."
And, let me tell you, it's been very interesting.
And exponentially lonely. 
Don't worry, I will not do this forever. But it's very eye opening to see who sticks around when things aren't peachy. Unfortunately, sometimes you need to stop worrying about everyone else and focus on yourself. Because if you cannot be happy with yourself, you cannot be happy with others. Simple as that. 


But, enough of this negative stuff. I really did not want this blog to be an emo one. I just thought I'd share with you some of my scattered thoughts. What do you think? Do you think I expect too much from people? Do you think people just don't know how to respond, so instead they don't do anything? Do you think I should stop being so analytical and emotional? I do. Haha. 


In my 4th grade class the other day, I noticed something.
None of the kids have cliques. It's the most amazing thing. 
I realized, that in spite of their differences, I have not heard one kid make an awfully mean comments to one other. I have heard some somewhat rude remarks, but nothing that just kills my insides. It is incredible. It gave me hope.
If 4th graders can do that, can't we? 


Thanksgiving part: On a completely other note, I am so grateful for music. 
I learn so much about myself, about life, and about the Savior through my playlists on my Ipod, LDC, and life story songs.
"Music is the only that makes sense anymore. Play it loud for everyone to hear."
-Across the Universe


When something bad happens, you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.
I am trying my hardest to choose the third one. That's the hardest one though, huh?