Alright, So...

I really really REALLY do not want to be one of those girls who is constantly "figuring things out."

Do you know what I mean? 

You know, one of those girls who is pensive every second.every hour.every day. The one who analyzes every person and every situation because "everything happens for a reason." (Because, quite frankly, this life doesn't work like that. Sometimes things just happen.  For example, when someone decides to be mean... it's because they have decided to be mean. That's it.)

But, alas, I have started to be come that girl. Due to certain circumstances and exceptionally uncontrollable emotions, I have become quite fragile and quite...stuck. 

Let me explain. 

Things have been kind of hard recently. Because of all these deaths, I think it triggered some other aspects of my life. 

When you deal with hardships, especially with death, you not only grieve for the loss of that person, but also for the others around you. You also grieve for the loss of what is missing in your life. And I think I have realized the lack of many aspects in my life. 
I will not go into much detail regarding what I feel is missing, but it's been a process that has enlightened me. There are some things that I definitely need to work on. There are some things that I need to go and do in order to get out of this "rut." 
This entire process seems like a positive one, right? I am finding my "inner self" and now can move forward and work on it.
Well, although the above statement true, it has been quite the battle. 
It is lonely, hard, and tiring. 
I walk into my apartment and my roommates completely disregard me. Is it because I don't make the initial effort? Probably. Because heaven knows, it's not as much fun to be around someone who is figuring out some hardships. Welcome to college. 
I have family members, that amidst this conflict, I won't hear from for weeks, even months if I don't make the effort. 
But I'm not going to go into that right now. Ha.


It's been quite awakening to realize what happens you stop making the effort.
I have been divulging this experiment. I attempt to not say hi first. To not start conversation. Essentially, stop being Sierra. Ha. 
Call me cynical. Call me bitter. Call me angry. 
But that is sort of what I had to do. I have, honestly, stopped making effort to see "who steps up their game."
And, let me tell you, it's been very interesting.
And exponentially lonely. 
Don't worry, I will not do this forever. But it's very eye opening to see who sticks around when things aren't peachy. Unfortunately, sometimes you need to stop worrying about everyone else and focus on yourself. Because if you cannot be happy with yourself, you cannot be happy with others. Simple as that. 


But, enough of this negative stuff. I really did not want this blog to be an emo one. I just thought I'd share with you some of my scattered thoughts. What do you think? Do you think I expect too much from people? Do you think people just don't know how to respond, so instead they don't do anything? Do you think I should stop being so analytical and emotional? I do. Haha. 


In my 4th grade class the other day, I noticed something.
None of the kids have cliques. It's the most amazing thing. 
I realized, that in spite of their differences, I have not heard one kid make an awfully mean comments to one other. I have heard some somewhat rude remarks, but nothing that just kills my insides. It is incredible. It gave me hope.
If 4th graders can do that, can't we? 


Thanksgiving part: On a completely other note, I am so grateful for music. 
I learn so much about myself, about life, and about the Savior through my playlists on my Ipod, LDC, and life story songs.
"Music is the only that makes sense anymore. Play it loud for everyone to hear."
-Across the Universe


When something bad happens, you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.
I am trying my hardest to choose the third one. That's the hardest one though, huh?