Pregnancy.

Hi blogging world.
It's only been six months. Not that long, eh? ;)

via instagram: @sierrasview

I'm not sure if you heard the news, but T Money and I are expecting a baby! I am almost 22 weeks today. We are having a girl! 

I thought I'd share with all of you this awesome news. There is lots of "news" happening in our lives. From new jobs, to school, to teaching, and new church callings. I've been meaning to "tell the world" about our lives because I love to document. Unfortunately, though, this blog hasn't given me the outlet that I needed before, if that makes sense. And that's okay. I strongly believe there is a time and place fore everyone and everything in each of our lives. 

But that's not what I wanted to talk about. 

Pregnancy. 

That's what I wanted to chat about. 

Pregnancy is hard and it sucks. 

Yep, I said it. 

I feel like, so often, we talk about the excitement and joy and happiness that accompanies pregnancy. Yes, there is no doubt that those feelings are exponentially true. After all, you (well, I) have a baby in your STOMACH! You are growing a human! What a miraculous, wonderful, special occasion. 

Which then has you question, oh, wow, yea, I have a human growing inside of me. It's scary and emotional and it does things to your body that you didn't even know could happen. 

The honeymoon phase of pregnancy is great. You are so thrilled for a new baby to arrive in your home. You want to tell everyone and have them share in your joy. You want to find out the gender and start decorating and buying clothes (all of which I did! And which I shared with friends and family). 

I love that I can share my excitement about my pregnancy with people when they ask how I'm doing. I am so grateful that people are excited for us!  

What I don't share when someone asks me is this: 

I hate that I don't have a "cute" baby bump (I just look like I've gained weight at this point. So much for a cute bump that just pops out..). 

I hate the insecurity that stems from pregnancy. I hate that women make comments about others' cute bumps and not mine. I hate that I care so much about that (like who cares? I know, logically, that everyone carries a baby differently). I hate that I don't want to socialize because of this anxiety and insecurity. 

I hate that I don't have the energy or stamina to do things anymore. I hate that I have the urge and need to do fun things, but I can't. Every time I try to push myself, my body tells me to stop and slow down--which frustrates me! 

I hate that I feel lazy and tired all of the time, even after being active and exercising and trying to drink tons of water. 

I hate that I worry about pre-eclampsia or gestational or all of the other physical scares that could come with a woman who is overweight and has PCOS like me. (I am so happy we were able to get pregnant on our own without fertility, even with PCOS. How amazing, huh?). 

I hate that I can't feel baby girl move yet (Why can't I?!) while everyone talks about how much they can feel their babies kick. 

I hate that I am constantly worried if baby girl is okay. If she's healthy physically and that she'll be cute (I feel so stupid admitting that, ya know?). 

 I hate that I'm almost 22 weeks and I am still nauseous some days. I hate that I threw up for 18 weeks and now I am still feeling crummy some days. I am grateful that I am not throwing up every morning, but I was hoping to "feel the 2nd trimester honeymoon phase" at this point. 

I hate that I had a hard time being so excited for baby girl until recently because I was so sick and so exhausted for so long. It's hard to be so excited when your best friend is a toilet for weeks on end. I felt guilty for this for awhile. 

I hate that I worry about all the anxiety that accompanies planning for baby girl. Are we going to be able to buy everything for baby? Am I going to have the nursery ready? Will baby have all of the supplies she needs? It sometimes goes as irrational as: Will I know how to take care of a baby?! Haha. 

I hate the fear of having to balance everything this next year: teaching full time, getting my masters degree, new baby, tanner in school and working full time. (I keep trying to remind myself that it's temporary!). I'm worried for me and my baby. 

I hate the weight gain and the stretch marks. I hate the round ligament pain, sciatic nerve pain, constipation, and smell of pregnancy (TMI?). 

I feel guilty for not being one of those women who just "loves to be pregnant!!!!" because, well, frankly, I have had a rough pregnancy. And I guess that's okay to not love it. 

I hate that I can't focus. I try to start a book and I can barely finish it, I try to write a paper for my master's degree and I cant think of words to write, I try to talk to Tanner and I can't even finish my sentences (pregnancy brain is real!!). 

I hate that my emotions, hormones, and mental illness seem to be overriding. I am irritable and sad, even when I try not to be. I hate that my emotions can change on the spot. 

I hate that I need so much sleep!!! Haha! (Even more than usual. And I love to sleep). 

I hate that I have to eat like every hour otherwise I become sick and hangry to the maximum (it's really annoying). 

Pregnancy sucks. I am grateful and excited, but I hate the way I feel physically and emotionally. The guilt and sadness and fear that accompanies it can be scary. The stretch marks, weight gain, nausea, and tiredness can wear you out. But I can still be excited and grateful. And I'm learning that those two don't have to be mutually exclusive. Which I'm trying to remind myself, but it's challenging. What I want to tell you is that you can be happy AND sad. You can be grateful and not excited. You can be thrilled and depressed. All at the same time. 

I've always been one to struggle with change and this, well, quite honestly, is a HUGE change happening in our lives. It's an exciting, wonderful, scary, emotional time. But I know that I will be so grateful that I get to go through it. Because anything difficult is worth it in the end. 

I cannot wait to meet baby girl! 

I saw this on Facebook the other day and I had to share it. It is so relatable in so many ways.

Women are amazing.