Word Vomit.

Just a note: I posted over at Speak Now Blog a couple of weeks ago. I forgot to let you know!
Go Check it out!


I am finally posting!!!

I know, I KNOW, I have been so bad at blogging. I appreciate all of those who have continued to stick around. I am going to try really hard to be better. 

I just needed some "space". 

And now, I just need to write. 

So, you ready for some scattered word vomit?

The elections are coming up on Tuesday and I am surprisingly nervous for them. I truly hope that this country tries everything in their power to make the best decision they know--not to just follow the crowd or do what they want, but to do they know will be best for this country and our future. So get out and vote, people!!! 

It's starting to get colder here in Utah, which I hate. But I do love Thanksgiving and Christmas time. Bittersweet, ya know?

This past week at school has been a little difficult. I have a couple boys in my class who are giving me a run for my money (yes, the very small amount of money that I do make! Ha). Both of them have very difficult home lives, and I am sympathetic towards them, but they are defiant and manipulative, which I have very little patience for. The students were extra bad this week due to the intake of excessive Halloween candy, so my patience was minimal. I want to help these boys, but in a lot of ways, I just don't know how. I know what they need is just love. So I love them. With all that I can. But I won't lie, it has been difficult for me to love them. They are intelligent, bright, funny kids and I do have a special place in my heart for them, but it is exhausting to have the same fight with them over and over and over again. I have been fighting to find something, anything, to motivate them to do their schoolwork and to have good behavior. The next step, I guess, is to simply pray. 

As I am sitting here typing all of this, I am reminded of how much a teacher truly does. I am not only a teacher, but I am a friend, a mentor, a mom, and a therapist. I deal with not only academic issues, but everyday physical, mental, and emotional needs of these kids. They all have such wonderful potential, and my job is to instill that drive, into them in order to succeed. 

I love my job so much, but my goodness, it is exhausting. It drains me. And I am slowly learning how to balance my life so that I can stop being a work-a-holic but still help these children. One part of it that is so difficult is that I am transitioning into "real life" now. I have a real career and my life is very different than it has been for the past four years. And that transition is, well, hard. It sucks growing up! And I am trying to be a perfectionist in my classroom and in my life. Yet, I have learned that balancing my career life will come with time. In the meantime, I just need to take things one day at a time and remind myself that teaching will get easier. 

I have my friends from Kenya Keys coming down to my school to talk about what life and education is like in Kenya on Friday. My 4th graders and I talk about my experience in Kenya and what life is like there all of the time. If they start ruining things in their desks or misplacing pencils, etc. I always remind them that my students in Kenya only received two pencils for the entire school year. They love to see pictures and hear stories of these kids halfway across the country; that live in a completely different world. I'm excited to have them hear more! I am also excited to see my dear, sweet Kenya friends. I cannot wait to go back and visit that place that has shaped me so much.  

 Oh, and more observations from my school mentors are happening this week. Cannot wait for those to be done in DECEMBER. So close! 

As many of you know, I have a missionary. He comes home fairly soon. 

When? I am still not entirely sure.

I have never really talked about him before on my blog, so this is a big step.

But recently, I have been having a hard time with that entire situation.

I am unaware of when he is actually coming home (it's complicated) so I feel as though I am sort of just waiting around for this boy. And that is so not like me. I have never been that kind of girl.

But it's hard. 

Really hard.

It's hard to know if I should just continue on with my life or be patient. 

Either way, it is difficult to have feelings for someone who I haven't seen or talked to (except through email, letters, and phone calls on certain holidays) and to know what's going to happen.

Essentially, what it comes down to, is that this entire situation is difficult because I do not know what is going to happen in the future. And that, my friends, makes me feel very anxious. 

As much as I try not to think about it, I do. And it gets harder every day. I feel as though I am just ready for that next step of my life, but I feel stuck too. Ugh.

A couple of weeks ago was the one year anniversary of my two month old niece, Holland, passing away. 

I don't think I was mentally or emotionally aware that it was going to be that difficult. I thought that, in a way, I was going to be ready for it. I was prepared. 

But I wasn't.

I remember the day before the first anniversary of Holland's passing, I could not seem to get out of bed. I was sad. I got a speeding ticket. It all kind of just muddled together. And, in a way, I completely shut down. I pushed away from people because I didn't know how to explain everything that I was feeling. It was as if I was feeling nothing and everything at the same time. But, to be frank, I am still haunted by the negative experiences that correlate with her death. I remember receiving the phone call, I remember trying to be there for my sister, feeling completely helpless. I remember the pain, stress, and hardship that accompanied her death. I remember the extreme difficulty of the entire situation. 

Death never really goes away. And everywhere on her anniversary, I will probably remember this. But, just like everything in life, it will get easier. 

And, like, usual, winter time is hard for me. 

When winter hits, Seasonal Affective Disorder bombards me and I have to remind myself that I need to work 3x as hard as most people at getting out of bed in the morning. And that's okay. As long as I keep going. 

It gets easier. It always does.  

Stress is a severe trigger for my depression. And I need to remember that life is to be enjoyed, not just endured. And for the past three months I have been simply enduring everything. Which is okay because that was really my only option. 

I have made a goal to work out 4-5x a week. I love my new gym that I just joined and I am ready to stop feeling sorry for myself. I am ready to practice balancing everything in my life. Again. Like I have to remind myself every year. Ha. 

Happy November! Can't believe it's already almost Thanksgiving. Although this time of year tends to be hard for me, I love it at the same time. 

Here's to taking things one step at a time!

And for your viewing pleasure, here are some pictures from my Halloween:

At a Halloween Party, I was a hick. (That is not alcohol by the way). You should see my hair without that hat...

And one of my best friends, Adam, was my blog for Halloween. Hahahahaha. 

So perfect.

My friends like to make fun of me for my blog. They think it's funny.
So kind.
But pretty hilarious costume!!

At school I decided to be an escape convict/prisoner. I told the kids that if they did drugs, this is what would happen to them. Why am I so freaking funny?

Love his costume. 

Told you I have funny students. And friends. 

I just have a funny life. 

Opa. 

Have a great week, people. 

xoxo.