Real Talk time. This is probably mostly for me moreso than you, but you know. It's all good.
Today, I got in my car after school and sat down in the driver's seat.
I took a deep breath. And I stopped.
I instantly asked myself, "WHAT?"
This questioning caused a lot of unsettled feelings. I felt really…off. And then, I realized that I have kind of felt this way for the past 2 months, really.
I wish I could pinpoint what it is. I'm not entirely sure.
It could be a mix of a lot of emotions that I have towards my family. Some resentment, anger, sadness and frustration towards them.
It could be that I still hate my body.
I haven't been writing, blogging, journaling and "reflecting" which is something that I need. Bleh. Maybe I need to have more reflecting time? (Ugh, I'm such a hippie.)
It could be that I literally have not stopped for a long time. I get up at the buttcrack of dawn (Can you tell I've been with 12 year olds too much?) for yoga, go to school, come home…and sleep.
It could be that I am ready for summer. I am just exhausted. I am stressed with end of the year testing coming up and I fear that I haven't prepared my students enough.
I am really overwhelmed with a lot of my relationships with friends and close people in my life. There have been a lot of ups and downs recently and maybe it's starting to wear on me?
It could be that I am still learning the ins and outs of marriage--what works for us, what doesn't (does that ever really stop? Haha. Maybe I'm just a slow learner.)
It could be that my hormones are still all over the place. (Maybe it's PMS? TMI? That's a lot of acronyms. LOL.)
This "offness" (that's the literal term for it) isn't sadness though. It's not a depression, which is something that I know very well. It's just sort of…off.
I can't really explain it. Which is why I think it's so frustrating. I usually know what's going on with my emotions, body, and self so well and I can't seem to pinpoint it.
I have made a lot of stupid decisions recently. Nothing major, just to the point where I think I was subconsciously trying to stop this "offness."
So…..
I have learned that I need to work harder at being nicer. To my husband. To my students. To my friends. To people all around me. Because I am so hard on myself, I tend to have those same expectations for others, which isn't fair.
So, this Easter season, I am going to work on getting out of my "off-ness."
I am so grateful for T. He is a good husband and even better man. And this picture makes me happy.
Any ideas that help you when you feel like this? Am I the only one who feels this way?
Today, I got in my car after school and sat down in the driver's seat.
I took a deep breath. And I stopped.
I instantly asked myself, "WHAT?"
This questioning caused a lot of unsettled feelings. I felt really…off. And then, I realized that I have kind of felt this way for the past 2 months, really.
I wish I could pinpoint what it is. I'm not entirely sure.
It could be a mix of a lot of emotions that I have towards my family. Some resentment, anger, sadness and frustration towards them.
It could be that I still hate my body.
I haven't been writing, blogging, journaling and "reflecting" which is something that I need. Bleh. Maybe I need to have more reflecting time? (Ugh, I'm such a hippie.)
It could be that I literally have not stopped for a long time. I get up at the buttcrack of dawn (Can you tell I've been with 12 year olds too much?) for yoga, go to school, come home…and sleep.
It could be that I am ready for summer. I am just exhausted. I am stressed with end of the year testing coming up and I fear that I haven't prepared my students enough.
I am really overwhelmed with a lot of my relationships with friends and close people in my life. There have been a lot of ups and downs recently and maybe it's starting to wear on me?
It could be that I am still learning the ins and outs of marriage--what works for us, what doesn't (does that ever really stop? Haha. Maybe I'm just a slow learner.)
It could be that my hormones are still all over the place. (Maybe it's PMS? TMI? That's a lot of acronyms. LOL.)
This "offness" (that's the literal term for it) isn't sadness though. It's not a depression, which is something that I know very well. It's just sort of…off.
I can't really explain it. Which is why I think it's so frustrating. I usually know what's going on with my emotions, body, and self so well and I can't seem to pinpoint it.
I have made a lot of stupid decisions recently. Nothing major, just to the point where I think I was subconsciously trying to stop this "offness."
So…..
I have learned that I need to work harder at being nicer. To my husband. To my students. To my friends. To people all around me. Because I am so hard on myself, I tend to have those same expectations for others, which isn't fair.
So, this Easter season, I am going to work on getting out of my "off-ness."
I am so grateful for T. He is a good husband and even better man. And this picture makes me happy.
via instagram
Any ideas that help you when you feel like this? Am I the only one who feels this way?
OMG you're making me cry. Texting you.
ReplyDeleteI like this post :) Don't be so hard on yourself, you are rocking life. Just take it one day at a time :) xoxo
ReplyDeleteAww honey, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling down. We definitely all get into funks now and then. That's natural. But it usually is a sign that you need to change something in your life. Try evaluating and see if you can figure out what the real problem is so you can address it. From what you wrote, it seems like it might be toxic friends, or just simply pushing yourself too hard. And in the meantime, carve out some time to have some fun. Go on date nights, make time to read by yourself or take bubble baths - whatever it is that makes you happy. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteHonestly, if there was one post I needed to read today this was it! I've been basically going through the same thing. I've been dreadful and just off and sad and etc! I know the source of mine but it's so hard to fix and it just seems impossible. Today, I woke up and decided that 90% of the problem is ME and my attitude. Yeah, my professional life sucks, but I make it worse with my negativity and crap attitude! These things are hard to overcome though.
ReplyDeleteI am like that too especially being so hard on myself and then doing it to others. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteYou're feeling off because you're pregnant, you're married so that must be the reason! (Don't you just hate when everyone assumes if something is off... you're automatically pregnant?)
ReplyDeleteIt could be because the seasons are changing and you're anxious for the sun and warmth of summer, plus 3 months off of work.... perks of being a teacher, right?! ;) it could be you're coming up close to your year mark of marriage and that's a milestone within your relationship and you're coming up to the end of "one of the hardest years of marriage" so that could make ya feel off. So many reasons could play into this off feeling at you stated above, but it could be a chance for some new changes! Try some new things you've always wanted to do! (Which you are with yoga which is great and I so wanna try) see if something you try fits for you and if this "offness" subsides.
I do know the feeling though, I've been feeling off too. But it's because I am making myself feel this way but it's so hard to get out if this funk.
Don't be hard on yourself, your life is full of ups and downs and it's hard to know how to handle them because they're new or unexpected. I am so glad to hear you have a loving husband by your side who is there through every up and down.... plus you two look so good together, so that's a plus!
"off" moments suck! It'd happen to me in Rexburg towards the end of the winter. Being cooped up inside, cold weather, and just all the darkness would get to me. (Growing up where you can predict that it's going to be sunny 90% of the time messes with you as you grow up, I guess.) For me, I'd just need some "breathing" time and space. Like I'd jump in my truck and run away for a couple hours. Usually it'd just be around town, or I'd drive as far as I wanted on some dirt road, but it almost always worked.
ReplyDeleteNow after graduating, I still like to send myself to "go take a hike." Sometimes it's just taking my road bike out for a long ride. Other times, it's finding a new hobby. (I collect hobbies...photography, calligraphy, InDesign, hairbows...you name it, I've probably tried it.) Mixing up the routine is good for the soul. And sometimes it brings new friends in your life.
In other words, I honestly don't know how to get out of the "funk." I've been there many times, broken up with boys because I suddenly think that there's problems and then start focusing on myself for a bit. And I guess that's what it is. Some "self" time.
I love that photo too! :)
ReplyDelete