Venting Session #58340654923

(cause it feels like I have a lot of those? Hey, but it's been awhile, so that's good, right?)

I have so much going on right now that my brain feels as though it's about to collapse out of my head. 

I think I'm going to break down any second.

My body is exhausted too. 

(Funny how your body shuts down when your brain shuts down, huh?)

This month: 

-basically finished my last semester of college. 

-have to start (finish?) a teacher work sample and a portfolio to officially graduate. 

-finish decorating/organizing a classroom. (I live at my elementary school. No, seriously. Today a fellow teacher said to me: "Girl...do you ever take a day off?!") 

-plan an entire curriculum. (oh yea, no big deal... this should be about 15 bullet points). 

-educate thirty 4th graders--make them love me as their teacher!

-2 very important weddings (bridesmaid in one so that means bachelorette parties, etc.)

-Move out. Find a place to live for 5 days. Move into a new apartment the day before school starts. 

-All week teacher conferences.

Not to mention, exercise, the gospel, and this lovely blog.

.....yea. That's a lot.

A lot of work.

A lot of changes.

A lot of grown up life. 

I sat down on my couch this evening after being in my classroom all day and took a deep breath. 

It's funny. 

I have been going so hard that I didn't even realize how stressed I have been. I've been too busy to even think about it! Ha. I should have started noticing when I hadn't slept all week...literally. 

I have not socialized for an entire week and I did not even realize it until today! I didn't "plan" anything to do this evening, so I was stuck doing nothing. A part of me felt like I needed to do something, that I needed to go be around people, but than the other part of me told myself that it's okay to just relax.

I know, I know....So often, when I need to get things down, I tend to hyper focus. I become so enthralled, almost obsessed, with what needs to get done that I cannot tear my mind away. (It's that stubbornness in me). 

But I have realized that I need to learn to gage my energy levels. I use so much of my energy in that classroom, that afterwards, I completely crash. And that is not fair to the other people in my life outside of my job. 

BUT THEN...

As I sat on my couch watching the Olympics, I became almost frustrated. People not calling me back. People not making any effort with me. I haven't socialized because I haven't made a ton of effort with people. Well, how come they don't do a little bit of the work? (we've been here before, haven't we? An constant reoccurring cycle, it feels like...)

So, as I sat there, I became, almost, bored. 

I didn't want to sit here on my couch by myself, yet, I didn't want to exert a ton of energy.

But I didn't want to particularly be alone.

I, then,  progressed to a state of complete spontaneity. I texted multiple people, on a rampage, to go do something quite rambunctious and random. 

I wanted to drive home to Oregon (stupid teacher conferences!).

 I wanted to go do something fun. 

And of course, no one could. Blah.

I tried to go do fun things. 

It didn't work.

And now, finally, it has all clicked.

I am trying to fill some kind of void, which is, not coincidentally, usually the case when people need to vent (yea yea, sierra's psycho babble...).

I want someone to do nothing with. 

I want to come home to a buddy who will let me exert no energy with them. I want to come home and be in the presence of a man who will sit here and watch the Olympics with me. Who doesn't force me to say anything, but to be content with just sitting. To bond, without any verbal communication. I want that kind of connection. 

It does not help that the last man I was falling in love ended up being a complete jerk. Because of that, of the negative ending, my walls have come up again. And I have turned to things that "I need to get done" to stop all the pessimistic feelings I was having towards myself and towards him. 

I am an independent woman. Very independent. I am competent and hard working. But, like most girls, I sometimes would like that bond. That special, imperfect connection with another human being(male, preferably ha.) 

And that time will come soon. Soon enough, that is! Haha.

Until that time,  I continue working on myself. I continue working exponentially hard on my future career and strengthening my talents. 

And I continue to be okay with lying on my couch watching Olympics alone tonight.

Hey, I need this, okay?

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Happy Weekend.

xoxo.