Well, of course, until right now.
At this point my emotions feel a little mixed up.
I tried apologizing to a best friend for reacting negatively to a situation a couple of days ago. The response returned seemed as though she was still very angry. Which is okay. But her response was hurtful. I don't know what else to say without causing more contention. All I wanted was to simply apologize for my negative behavior. And now I feel as though I am the bad guy for doing that. I contacted her to simply apologize. That's it. For my mistakes, to acknowledge that I made a mistake and will try to work on it. It's hard to know what to do. I want to react with anger. But I want, more than that, is to allow this silly argument to be a fleeting, laughable moment in a few years.
I feel as though I don't mind being without "him" (click here for more on this), but then moments later, I ache for him and I want him to realize what he is honestly missing out on. Right now, as I am typing this, I am wondering what he is doing, and if he's thinking about me, and you know, the usual stuff that goes through a girls mind when she is being reminded that he does not and will not make her a priority.
And then...I realized something.
I've officially made a decision, guys.
I am done reacting to life.
I am a very emotional person. (big shocker there)
Yet, I have had too many instances where something will happen and I will initially react, respond, or reply emotionally. I have seen too many relationships dissipate because of my emotional reactions.
I do a very good job at solving other peoples problems, but why is it seem so difficult to respond that way in own life?
Despite the emotional investment I have in so many of my relationships, I am, from now on, going to work on stopping and thinking before I react.
Yes, I may need some time for myself. To calm down. To think. To process everything that is going through my mind and heart. But I will no longer allow other people's decisions or the simple happenings of life deter me from living my life.
I have so many goals. I have so many talents. I have so many gifts.
And it is my time to work on myself to become the best person I can be.
They say that life is 10% what happens and 90% how you react to it.
So often in my life, I have reacted out of fear. But here's the truth: I have nothing to fear as long as I keep reminding myself that God is with me every single step of the way.
He knows me so well and He loves me for every thing that I feel. He gets it. He knows my downfalls. And He is trying to prepare me. He is trying to continue strengthening me. If I trust in Him, whatever is supposed to happen in my life will happen. Simple as that.
I have a problem with living in the past, with reacting to what has happened. I also have a problem with looking too far in the future. Im learning to live for me now. It's one of the hardest lesson I’ve ever had to learn, but I have an infinite amount of faith in myself and in the Lord that everything that has happened was meant to and everything that will happen is meant to as well.
However, I am not a perfect person (wooo another shocker) and knowing all of this does not discount all of the sadness that happens when someone makes little effort with you. Especially when it's someone whom you felt yourself connecting to on a completely unexplainable level.
I am just trying to remind myself that every thing, every person, that has been placed in my life has been for a reason.
And,
I cannot determine anybody else's decisions, but I can determine what I am going to do with it.
I make the decisions in my life. I make the decision to get out of bed, especially when I don't want to. I make the decision to move on with my life. I make the decision of allowing myself to grow. His decision, her decision, other people's decisions, will not allow me to stop living my life. I will not stop my life because he doesn't want me. I will not stop being a good friend or doing the right thing simply because other people don't reciprocate it.
I never wanted this blog to turn into another drama fest. So I am sorry for those who may feel that way.
However, I do want this blog to be real.
And I'm grateful for Lauren and her amazingly kind words that help me keep writing what I truly feel. That is why I blog, babe. I am so happy that I "speak to you." haha.
Someday, all the pain, all the emotion I feel internally, will be useful.
For now, I keep smiling :)
For now, I remind myself:
Life is about action, not a reaction.
I love this post girl, we are so similar from what you describe. Really like the honesty in this post, I think it's something everyone can relate to!
ReplyDeleteOn a whimsy I clicked your blog from the GFC blog hop hosted by: Not so Ordinary Housewife. And I am glad I did, I went through a few of your posts before commenting on this one. I adore how real you are and how honest you were in this post. It's not only given me something to think about, but someone new to read. Thank you.
ReplyDeletei am all about taking control of my life and not letting my emotions dictate me lately! good for you.
ReplyDeleteI have been reading about your break up and I keep on meaning to comment. Seriously, break ups are the worst. Even when you can logically talk yourself through it, you just feel like crap. It looks like you have lots of good friends to help you get through it, but you also have a friend in Draper :).
ReplyDeleteOk... here's my unsolicited advice.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I were watching Modern Family, and, if you're familiar with the show, there is a gay couple and Cameron was having a bad reaction to something MItchell said, and of course, Mitchell got annoyed. And then Cam said, "Mitchell, let me have a reaction." And of course it was very funny, but it was SO true. And now, in the middle of tense moments, Jeremy and I both have told each other, "Let me have a reaction!"
Because we ARE reactionary people, you know? I feel like we have a lot more in common than just our names. I have tried SO hard to stop being so emotional, but it's just who we are, you know? And it's a beautiful thing to feel the world this passionately. So rather than trying to eliminate your reaction, maybe just try to REMOVE yourself from the place where the reaction will be detrimental. We call these time outs--when your emotions are at a fever pitch, leave the room, and go sob in the bathroom, or scream into a pillow or just cool it. Then come back and confront the situation when you've had a second to breathe.
Maybe I've overstepped! Oh my gosh I've really overstepped! But still, coming from a fellow emotional person... I think you deserve to have a reaction.