Holland Kay.

I am going to try to make it through this without crying.

My dear niece, Holland Kay Cottle, passed away Saturday morning from SIDS, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

She was two months old.

My sister, Lexie, happened to be visiting her in laws in Utah when it happened, so I was given the opportunity to be with her this weekend.

I have not cried this hard in a long time.

Death seems to be a constant occurrence in my life currently, huh?

It is in times like these that I am at a loss for words. Words cannot seem to convey the heartache, tears, and emotional distress during these kinds of experiences.

However, it is also in times like these where I am SO grateful for the plan of salvation and that I will be able to see that girl again someday.

That little girl was so special. So special, in fact, that she only needed to come to this earth for two months just to get a body. And the Savior trusted my beautiful, strong sister to fulfill that role.

Holland's delivery, in itself, was a spiritual experience. I felt a special connection and bond because I was in the delivery room with her. I knew there was something special about her the day she was born. My connection with her will continue--I can already feel her around me, guiding me to make better decisions. She will guide each of us, in my family, to be better people so we can make it back to her.

I ache for my sister. I wish, more than anything, that I could take her pain away.

Despite the agony, I am so grateful for the Atonement. How lucky I am to have that knowledge that the Lord knows how my sister is feeling, how my parents and the rest of my family are feeling, and how I am feeling. I am so thankful for the power of this gospel. I ache so much for my sister and for death in general. But I know that this will make me and my family stronger. The Lord knows of my sister's strength. He is aware of everything that is going on.

One of the most wonderful doctrines of Christ is that little infants are received into God’s presence immediately. They become angels to God, comforting us that mourn and will receive their exaltation in due time with us. It amazes me how much we begin to understand life as we begin to experience death.

“Death…evokes pangs of sorrow and shock among those left behind.  The hurt is real.  Only its intensity varies… Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love.  It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandment: “Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die.”  (D&C 42:45)…The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life.”

Death has a funny way of bringing those you love closer together. It unites families and allows them to strengthen their own relationships.

Death, also, brings out emotions that I never knew existed. My body is existed. I feel like I weigh 500 pounds. One minute I am doing okay and the next, I feel like I am going to fall apart.

Amidst the trial, I am so lucky to have met that perfect little girl and hold her the whole night before.

“I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us. … The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again."

Thank you so much for the outpouring of love and support you have all given to me and my family, particularly Lexie and Nick, during this difficult time. We can definitely feel your strength and prayers. I am so grateful for the knowledge of this gospel and to know that Holland is in such a wonderful place. We love and miss her so much. I am so grateful for the knowledge of eternal families.

Lexie and Nick, I love you so much. You are amazing people.

Holland, look out for us down here, okay? You are our perfect angel. Say hello to Meme, Grandma Kay, Kendall, and Mary Lou for us.