Sassy.

She clearly is not Mormon.
Ha.

The Perfect Watch.

I recently had an experience with...I will say it....a male.

Here's the basic scenario of what happened: We dated. (as in, went on dates.) I liked him. I THOUGHT he liked me. blah blah blah. He found someone else.

Granted, there are some teensy complicated matters in there somewhere. (Like...my missionary is currently home from his mission cause he had to get surgery and I've been seeing him too)

BUT. Before you judge... I was completely honest about the situation. To both of the guys.

No one has a handbook for this kind of situation.

No one tells you what to do in this circumstance.

No one should EVER have to go through this! Haha.

I tried my best to be honest in every situation, but without telling too much detail. What DO you do in this type of predicament?

Needless to say, I guess I just felt like I wasn't receiving the honesty from the first male that I was giving him.

side angry feminist note: why do I feel like I NEVER get honesty from men?

Me again: I'm not angry that he chose someone else. I guess I am just hurt that I wasn't treated to the full extent of the way that I should have been.

But isn't that the way it always goes?

You date. You fall. It doesn't work out. Then you start all over.

In every dating situation, I have learned so much.

I have learned the important things that matter to me in a partner; I have learned that I go through it so that I can grow and mature personally, so that my "perfect man" will be just that: perfect.

I've realized something through all of these messes though.

It is all about timing.

I believe that the Lord has many different people that you can work with. I believe that with a testimony and hard work, any marriage or relationship can last; as long as the Lord and family come first.

But I also believe that each person is at a different stage of life. And even though we all think this here in Provo: that we are in college, we date for a few months. then we get married.

...that is NOT where everybody is at. Even if they think they are.

Two different people can think they are at the exact same level; that they are on the same page, but that is not necessarily so. Factors such as communication issues, trust issues, dysfunctional pasts, etc. ALWAYS come into play.

And if both of you have dealt with those things; THAT is when timing is perfect.

Our lives depend on our agency. But the Lord also has a huge part in helping us reach the right timing to meet that special person. We date and continue to date until we say..."Okay, this is it."

And you know what? There will be some serious heartbreak. There will be feelings that come that you don't want to appear. There will be anger. There will be crying.

But that is because timing is off.

AND YOU HAVE TO REALIZE THAT IT'S OKAY.

The Lord has the perfect watch. And believe me, it tells time way clearer than ours.

He (she) will come. But in the meantime, we actively pursue our goals. We actively develop ourselves so that when he or she does appear; we are ready.

And in the meantime, if he decides to choose someone else, you realize that you will be totally fine.

A Letter.

A letter I need to write. For who? Not sure.

I needed to write it for someone though.

Dear you,

I just wanted to drop a quick note to let you know how happy and grateful I am to have you in my life. I think you’re incredible. I know you’re struggling right now and I feel as though it is my duty, I daresay, privilege, to explain to you all of my understanding for all of your pain that you may be feeling right now and give you some advice.

Life was never intended to be easy. Rather, it is a period of proving and growth. It is interwoven with difficulties, challenges and burdens. Yet these very forces, if squarely faced, provide opportunity for tremendous personal growth and development. Elder Bednar once said something along these lines: "The conquering of adversity produces strength of character, forges self confidence, engenders self respect, and assures success in righteous endeavor."

You and I both have not been handed easy lives. But who has? I was born with a strong, feisty spirit and I feel as though there is no coincidence for that. So have you. In the midst of these burdens the best thing to do is to hang on, even when you feel like you’re falling apart inside. Sometimes we have to do a good job at sticking it out otherwise we will collapse altogether. Be introspective throughout these trials. Be reflective and be mature. You must remember to do your best and the Lord will fill in those gaps that you feel are missing.

Ezra Taft Benson once said, “Some of the greatest trials you will face will be fought in the silent chambers of your own soul.” Others may not know what is going inside of you, but the Lord does. He knows every ache in the heart and wants to ease that burden. President Monson also says, “The Lord will bend the back to bear the burden placed upon it. (or something like that J). We are able to get through these trials. You may constantly ask HOW?! And this is how: Through your faith in the Lord, and your attitude.

Growing up, they used to call me Sassy Pants. Mostly because I never took crap from anyone. And you shouldn't either. Let everyone around you know that. Use that "diva" attitude now through your trials. Ask yourself if you are having the right outlook for this trial. Are you being humble? Are you realizing that trials happen to everyone? Are you blaming others or yourself or are you realizing that blaming processes no growth? Are you smiling in the midst of it? Remember the positive aspects of your life. You have been given so much, despite what you may be feeling now.

You are beautiful. Keep fighting. Rely on the Lord and have a positive attitude. The Lord will get you through this burden if you allow him to.

I love you.

Gleek.

I love Glee.

Judge me, I dare you.

I hate all of the politically correct ordeals with Kurt and ish.

But I love the music.

I love their clothes.

I love Brittany.

And I love this song.

Take me or Leave me: From Rent.

I walked out of this Broadway show because it was so distasteful, but I used to belt this out in high school in my bedroom...dreaming of the day where I could sing it on stage.

Listen to it. Savor it. Love it.

Love Day.

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around.

You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more.

You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you.

When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement.

They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself.

Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.

There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around.

You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are.

The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever.

Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again.

Colors seem brighter and more brilliant.

Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all.

A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face.

In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby.

Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you.

You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do.

Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon.

You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible.

You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you.

You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end.

Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

Bob Marley

Perfect.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Let's love! :)

Another Lesson Learned.

Sometimes it takes 3 times...

maybe 4, maybe 5...

to get something right.

PHANTOM.

You know one of the best feelings in the world?

Getting complete, utter chills while listening to live music.

Particularly, Broadway music.

And even more specifically...The Phantom of the Opera.

I forgot how magical and empowering this musical is.

I went and saw Phantom at Pleasant Grove High School (Thanks to Tanner's mom--shout out!) and I was once again reminded how much I love this play, music and Broadway. I was amazed of the quality of this play. It was literally one of the best high school plays I have ever seen. (Rumor has it that they spent like 30,000 dollars on it! Chyea...that would NOT happen in Oregon).

I just want you all to know how much I love this play.

That is all.

Listen for yourself:

Realization.

People are always going to let you down.

(I'm sorry to start off so negative...but I didn't know any other way to put it.

Erego, the bluntness.)

This statement is one that has repeatedly come up in the past couple of weeks.
I find that I am constantly getting upset with those whom I love the most.
And the reasoning is not because of a certain time of month (sorry boys), or not taking my amino acids, or even stress.
I think it's just a brutal realization that others are human.
And with being human, comes many weaknesses.

I don't blame people for having weaknesses; I blame them for not working on them.

I get frustrated when people don't allow themselves to go to a deeper level.
I get impatient when those around me have so many issues and they aren't even aware of them.
I want to scream at them, yell at them, and then hug them--just to show them the intensity of feeling something; to prove to them that they need help.
I'm not perfect. I need help, just like the rest of you.
But here's the difference: I went to years of therapy to get that help. I went through an intense time of depression to reach a point where I can see what is really going on behind the surface.
Which is why I get annoyed when others don't make that effort.
Is it laziness? Is it naivety? Is it how they were brought up so they were never taught to dig that deep?

Whatever the reasons are (and I think it is D: all of the above) it ultimately leads to hurt. Whether on my side, or their side...someone always loses when you don't take care of your problems.

For example: My friend, Tabatha* had a roommate named Kathy*. Kathy is a sweet girl. She means well. She is clean. She is hardworking in school. She goes to church. Everything on the surface is perfect and fine. She "has it all together." But when she talks to you, she talks AT you, not with you. Everything you say to her is wrong, and she is always right. Yet, she is very closed off. She's quiet, so no one thinks that she ever says anything mean. Yet, everything seems to be a competition between Tabatha and Kathy--because Kathy seems to make it that way. She doesn't talk to them when its just them two alone, but the second some boys walk in the door, Kathy puts on her fake smile.
(*names have been changed for privacy)

Why? Why does Kathy do this?

Because Kathy has issues that have not been resolved. I know Kathy. She has very little self esteem. Her confidence is not up to par, so because of this lack of self growth, she acts in a competitive and rude manner. Because of Kathy's behavior, an open, honest, worthwhile relationship with Tabatha and Kathy can't appear.

I don't mean to be insensitive. In fact, the opposite always happens. I always care too much. I see the pain, the lack of self esteem, and I want to shake it out of girls. I see so many behind the scenes baggage, that I want to try to help them. When in reality, maybe the best thing to do is just step away.
Because the truth is, I can't change other peoples' behaviors. As much as I love others, as much as I want to help them see things that maybe they weren't taught to see (or don't want to) , I need to focus on making MYSELF a better person. So when push comes to shove, I can be the one to forgive, move on, and put a damn smile on my face.

People will let you down. But here's a secret: YOU get to decide if they let you down. We each have to make the decision to go to that deeper level, to think, of how we can continously grow. And if we make a mistake, we dust off our knees and get back. We can't change how others act; just how we react.

Here's another secret: The Lord will NEVER let you down. Even in times when we think He does. He knows exactly what is best for you. He puts you through the pain because He knows it will help you grow. He is grateful that you are able to dig deep inside yourself and find out what is truly wrong, who you truly are. He will be with you the entire way.

What people don't realize is that there is so much strength in being vulnerable.
(Thank you, Bachelor. You have actually provided me with some fragment of decency for this quote)

Be vulnerable. Find out what's wrong deep down. You are acting a certain way because of something that has not been taken care.

(Remember that when dealing with others. There is always a reason behind their actions)
The Lord will take care of you.
At least make the effort to try.
And hey, I'll be here if you need me :)


P.S. I almost died today walking around campus today. 12 DEGREES...REALLY, UTAH? It's supposed to get zero tonight, too. Oh, and add a mega wind chill too.
Awesome.