It's Okay.

I was doing my daily 3-4 mile walk/run (okay so maybe only 4 times a week...but you get the point) and it was just perfect for some reason.
It was 68-70 degrees and sunny.
An ideal temperature, in my opinion.
Everyone was out and about getting ready for the BYU/Utah football game (I don't want to talk about it).
Kids were playing in the streets, pre teen boys were mowing the lawn (that's some good parenting!), college students were driving by with loud music and BYU signs, adults were getting their BBQ's heated up.
I walked past many fields and I was instantly hit with a wave of nostalgia. That smell of a soccer field brings back so many memories. Lacrosse games, soccer games as a child, football games in high school. That distinct smell of fresh mowed grass, the sun beaming down...it was just fantastic. I can sense Fall coming.
And I actually kind of like that feeling.
Warm sweaters. Apple Cider. Corn Mazes. Cuddling in blankets. I can most definitely wait for winter--but I thoroughly enjoy Fall.

I passed a particular house that I walk by every day. (I'll take a picture of it one of these days). If I am forced to live in Provo, Utah for the rest of my life (I sure hope I'm not) I WILL move into that house. I have seen many houses like it before. In fact, I have seen similar houses with far better scenery, location, and city. But for some unimaginable reason, I am drawn towards it.
Maybe it's because whenever I pass it, I am reminded of all the enlightened thinking that has occurred on these enjoyable work outs.

As I am recalling all of this, I can't help but reminisce. I'm such a dreamer, I know. But as I was looking around and past my ideal house, I realized something.
That things really aren't that bad, even when we think they are.

It's frustrating to deal with emotions that range on a daily basis.
There, I said it.

I am one of the most social people I know.
And yet, there are days when I want to hibernate in a hole.
Half of me wants to go out and socialize--be the light of the party.
And the other half wants to not talk to anybody for days. It's a total catch 22.
My head and heart are completely caught off guard.
But, on those days (or weeks) when things seem to slowly dissipate into a deep crevice of destruction, I have been reminding myself something...that it really is okay.
It's all going to be okay.

I think we all need to remind ourselves that sometimes.
That things really will be just fine.
Most of the time, the best way to ultimately receive happiness, is to MAKE happiness. In order to make happiness, we need to be proactive. This includes positive thinking, priorities put in order, and most commonly, putting a smile on your face even when you don't feel like it.
Life is not always going to be peachy.
There will be days when it seems quite grim, actually.
But we (I) need to remind myself:
It's going to be okay. I'm going to be okay.
Why?
Because lightning never strikes in the same place twice.

P.S. My dear friend, Erin sent me this text seconds ago: "You're beautiful. I don't know why sadness just comes sometimes. But you are becoming something very special because of it."
Perfect, huh? Just what I needed.

Twenty One.

Last weekend was my 21st birthday!
Can you believe it?
Guess this means I have to grow up now. Meh.
My roommates treated me to the RASCAL FLATTS CONCERT (Thanks Mer and Chels!) on Friday. Sara Evans opened for them. The concert was perfect. I swear, there is nothing better than a outdoor, country concert in the summer. I was so lucky to have that opportunity (even though we were stopped in traffic for 2 hours on the way home. I hate utah traffic.) It was so much fun! And they were so good live.
On Saturday, I had a birthday party at my apartment. One of my biggest fears is having a birthday party and then not having anyone show up. Luckily, that was not the case. It was so fun to have people come over and dance the night away.
Thank you to all of those who came out and who wished me a Happy Birthday!
Below are pictures from the concert and the party (in no particular order).
Here's to another year...

Whole Hearted.

Do you have ever days (weeks, in my case) where you wish you could consistently change the way you solve your issues?
Do you ever wish you could change the way you react?

Or is that just me?
Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself.
Sometimes I get so frustrated with others.

Yes, I know, I've heard it all...
"You are wonderful despite your weaknesses."
"Your weaknesses are what make you the wonderful person that you are!"
"How you react is what makes you YOU."
And yes, I KNOW that I have so many wonderful qualities.
I am a very confident person. I have gone through a lot of trials to get where I am today. I wouldn't take those trials back for anything. I am proud of who I am. I know I'm a daughter of God.

However, these past couple of week was one of those weekends where I wish I didn't CARE SO MUCH.
My father once said to me, "Yes. You feel low a lot of time, but you also know the true joys. You experience so much joy Sierra. Not many people get to experience the lows AND highs like you do."

One of my all time favorite quotes:
"Where ever you go; go with all your heart."
And believe me, I do just that. But sometimes this is what frustrates me.
Because I don't do ANYTHING half hearted, I always end up getting let down by others.
Because I do everything with all of my heart, I tend to care too much.
You might say, no no no...no one can cares too much.
But I assure you, I have done it.
And I have learned that this caring, this loyalty, this love I feel for others often is never reciprocated. Their lack of commitment (mostly in friendships) always leads me to feeling alone.

I don't mean to be all emo. I have so many wonderful people in my life who have blessed it. But I also feel alone in my efforts.

So fellow bloggers, I need some advice.
How do I continue on my "whole heartedness" way without getting frustrated with others (or myself) for their lack of reciprocation?
I've been trying to figure out.
I may or may not be a little slow.
Help me out.

xo.

Ten years.

Thinking of those who have lost loved ones.
Thinking of where I was, as a little sixth grader, on 9/11/2001.
Thinking of all the lessons I have learned from this experience.
Thinking how proud I am to be an American.
Feeling all sorts of emotion: anger, hurt, sadness, worry, pride (the good kind), trust in the Savior, peace, etc.
Praying for all those who are hurting!

Where were YOU when the world stopped turning, on that September day?

Expectations.

I recently have been bombarded with this idea of Expectations. The word just sounds complicated, doesn't it?
It seems so easy for me to expect something so magnificent out of people, more especially, the ones that I hold closest to my heart. But here's the funny thing: I never thought that I expected that much out of people. Yet, through many recent encounters and conversations with others, I have found that I do expect something in fact, MAGNIFICENT, from people. Because I expect people to be a loyal friend 100 percent of the time. I expect people to drop anything when I am in need. I expect family and friends to listen to my insight, my instincts, my thoughts, and take them into consideration. Here's the catch though: they rarely do. We are humans. And no matter how much we try, we will always let each other down. People cannot do those things all of the time. We are not perfect. So why do I expect them to be?

With a lot of my relationships, I tend to end up feeling hurt, betrayed, and lonely. Why? Because I feel like I would do those specific things for the ones that I love wholeheartedly. And those feelings rarely feel reciprocated.

My "family psychologist..." Actually you know what, let's just be frank: my therapist. Yep. I said it. That scary person; that scary thought. You can call it what you want...they all ultimately do the same thing, though: Help you to recognize your issues, help you realize WHY you have those issues or why you feel that way that you do. Then, they help you with coping mechanisms to fix those problems that somehow we subconsciously cannot figure out on our own. I truly believe every body should see a therapist at least once in their life. I can't even tell you how many realizations I have had while sitting there talking. There is something about speaking out loud to a third party that has absolutely no say in the particular matter (She's the Man. Quote it!) ...but that is a whole other blog post.

Anyway, With all of my jumbled thoughts and emotions, an epiphany occurred (while in that title-that-must-not-be named (therapist) office). My expectations that I have for those people only allows me to realize what I NEED to work on. Just because they don't live up to my expectations, doesn't mean that they are bad people or bad friends. We each have our own expectations of others. And I need to realize that those expectations may not always be met by others, but I can meet them in my own life. Putting friends and family first over a silly boy. Putting school in front of a mundane activity. Being loyal when push comes to shove--Those are things that I can work on...who cares if others do not?

I recently read a story about how the Savior is our gardener. He cuts us down in order to replenish our nutrients, to ultimately allow us to keep growing larger. But sometimes, when the Lord cuts us down, we plead:
“How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. … And now you have cut me down. How could you do this to me?"
Yet, If we sincerely desire and strive to measure up to the high expectations of our Heavenly Father, He will ensure that we receive all the help we need, whether it be comforting, strengthening, or chastening." We won't need to ask why. The growth that will come later will be quite apparent because of his EXPECTATIONS for us.

It's a funny thing about trying to become more like Christ. He has expectations for us because he KNOWS we are capable of doing certain things. He allows us to face these trials, to sit on the floor sobbing, to get our feelings hurt because he EXPECTS us to turn to him and ultimately grow. How amazing that my intrinsic ability to have high expectations of others is something that the Savior does for us. He sets the bar high, because He knows we are able to jump over it with a little practice. I put the bar up for my friends and family to jump, because I, myself, my silly mortal self, knows they are able to jump.

I expect these basic needs(magnificent or not--to each his own) to be met from friends because I love them. Because I want them to succeed. Because I want our relationship to strengthen. I subconsciously set these expectations because I, as well, need to learn something.

Also, I need to lower my expectations of other people. I know that sounds terrible. But people's behaviors are not going to change just because I want them to. I cannot change my best friends' decisions. I cannot make my parents automatically change the way they function this late in the game. What I need to do is allow them to be who they are. Encourage them and be their advocate, but don't necessarily be their cheerleader along the way.

I care too much. It's a blessing, but currently it has been a curse. Caring just means that I love enormously. And I do. But this high level of caring correlates with my high level of expectations of other people. People will always let you down. I don't mean to be negative, but it's the truth. Our expectations of one another sometimes are idealistic (at least mine are) and unrealistic. But understanding that when those expectations aren't meant, it does not mean they are intentionally hurting you. You love them for who they are. You allow them to grow on their own.
Because that's what the Savior does. Think of how many times we have let HIM down. He has all these wonderful things for us, and we are constantly doing dumb, immoral things. Does this mean He loves us any less? Of course not. It just means that he is going to pick us up off the ground, slap us across the face (eh maybe not slap ha) and send us on our way; only better and stronger this time.

Because HIS expectations are perfect. We are not. And we cannot expect others' behaviors to be either.

Current Life Story Song

Oh, Bon Iver, you know exactly how to speak to me.
I sobbed and sobbed while listening to this today.
It is absolutely perfect.
That piano. And those lyrics. chills.

Oh, my heart.

(bon iver- I can't make you love me)

Update.

Summer is over.
It is a rough feeling to say goodbye to it.
This summer, in particular, has been one for the books.
I had experiences that are difficult to put into words.
Kenya.
Oregon.
And most recently, I had the incredible opportunity to be in the delivery room of my newest niece, Holland Kay.
"
I will spare you all the gross details, but it was one of those "life altering occasions." I found myself pushing alongside my sister! The nurse was laughing at me because I was getting so into it. I wasn't much help, to be honest. But it was still neat. I found it interesting that I could almost feel her pain throughout the delivery. I cried the instant she was born. Maybe she'll like me more than Brizzy does since I was at her birth ;) It was AMAZING. Women are absolutely incredible (especially you, Lex!) The control, strength and pain that is needed for the birth of a child is unimaginable. I have a new found respect for my sister and other women.

I also had the opportunity to spend some time with all of my nieces and nephews. I love those kids so much. I don't have children, so I live vicariously through my sisters.

Here are pictures of my newest niece, my other nieces and nephews, the cabin, and some other recent good times. (You're welcome, Hillary. I'm doing this for you. and please ignore the quality of these pictures. a lot of them are iphone pictures.)

Look at those cheeks!

Lessons Learned at Home.

"It’s a funny thing coming home. Nothing changes. Everything looks the same, feels the same, even smells the same. You realize what’s changed, is you.”
-Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

When I was driving the 11 hours home to Oregon (normally takes 12--all time record right there), I was unaware of all the lessons I'd relearn while coming back to my roots. I've found it fascinating that sometimes life takes it course and quite honestly, I just have to hold on tight. Through the roller coaster of negative and positive experiences, I have found my take, opinion, actions on and about life in general, is different. And that has become even more apparent since I've been home. It's amazing what two weeks in Lake Oswego has done. It has reminded me who I was and who I currently am. Lessons learned recently:

-I don't like flakes. I never have. When someone says they are going to do something, they better be ready to do it. I do not like being disrespected. I am the kindest person you know, unless you do something that goes against my values. I have particular values that I hold dear to me. Loyalty is one of them. These values are usually left unexpressed in my life until they are violated by others. I do, in fact, appreciate abstract feelings such as love, loyalty, and faith.
-I have watched one of my best friends grow up exponentially. I am proud of her strength, her beauty, her personality. She makes a lot of effort in our relationship and I appreciate it more than she knows. We've been friends since 2nd grade, and it definitely has had it's ups and downs, but it's nice to be reminded that there are friends who can sit with you in the car and not say anything. No words are needed, because we know how each other are feeling, without explanation. I can be a mess, and it doesn't matter. Alyson, thank you for teaching me that people do, in fact, change. Best friends are just that: the best.
-It is amazing how much I put my family up on a pedestal when I am away. Do not get me wrong, they are wonderful and I love my family wholeheartedly, but they are not perfect. Yes, my parents do not know how to handle me when I am down. And that's okay. Because it has reminded me that I have gone through this emotional battle in my life, and continue to do so, on my own. Which is why I have become stronger. And wiser ;) I have learned that my future children WILL have issues, and I need to be open and willing to receive the help that is required in order for them to grow. Sometimes, my nieces and nephew say things that make me so happy. My sister, Lexie, is having her second baby girl on Tuesday. I get to be in the delivery room. I am so excited.
-I will always have to deal with immature people, even grown ups. I had an experience last night when dealing with a thirty-something woman. She was rude, manipulative, and unkind. It taught me that I am so grateful I do not deal with people in that manner. And that I don't really know why she responded in the way that she did. I never really know why people respond the way they do, but I need to explain to myself that I should never respond that way. No matter what.
-I have been struggling with a decision about a particular choir. Whether to return or not, what to do this upcoming school year, etc. It's been an extremely personal battle, but I am once again reminded that when I remove yourself from a situation, I see things way clearer. Sitting on my windowsill in my beautiful bedroom brings a lot of answers. A lot of tears, but a lot of good thoughts as well.
-I could travel. All the time. I could go every summer and travel somewhere. There is something inspiring about traveling this world. I learn about myself, about other cultures; I grow. I put myself in difficult situations. I want to live with the people and go through what they are going through. I was looking at pictures of Kenya last night (not a good idea) and it reminded me all of the lessons I learned while being there. I want to go through what I did in Kenya again because its almost like living in a fantasy world. I know that sounds weird but I don't have to be in my world, dealing with MY issues, I get to be in their world. Outside myself. To me, that is ideal. I love learning about people. I love learning about everything they do and believe.
-People's behaviors don't necessarily determine what kind of person they are. Their actions should determine who they are. You should not judge a person by their words, but by their actions. However, just because someone is acting a certain way, doesn't mean that person is actually a bad person. Does that make sense? For example, when I came home from Africa, I felt like my heart was in the right place. I had to deal with this while in Kenya with a particular person, but I thought I had learned from it. But then I started having issues with a girl that I know. I found myself getting frustrated, I just could not be around her. And then i realized: Her behaviors drive me nuts. Yet, it's not that I don't like HER, I just don't like some of the things she does. And I have to be able to differentiate that. It's hard to separate those two things from people. We think that people are annoying or mean, when in reality, those are insecurities that stem from themselves and that is why they are acting that way in public. There is always a reason why that person is acting a certain way. It stems from our insecurities. There are a lot of things about this girl that i really do like, but I have to be able to separate her behaviors with who she really is. Because it's insecurities, our trials, our mistakes and the things we do wrong, that make us act a certain way.
-I HATE saying goodbye. I try everything in my power to avoid it. I don't know if it's just because I don't like change or because I always get emotional. But for some reason, when I have to say goodbye to someone, I try to do it with a nonchalant attitude. I think what it comes down to is that I think it gets emotional. I am extremely sentimental, so when I say goodbye to some places, a part of me wants to hold on and go back. I was driving out of my apartment complex (UAC!), I have lived there for two years. I look back and I start thinking of all the memories. And it kinda makes me sad. But it's a good feeling to know that you are restarting. I don't like saying goodbye; I much rather have them just stick around :)
-There are certain places, no matter what is going on in your life, give you peace of mind. For me, that is my cabin at Crescent Lake.

I guess the problem I’ve always struggled with when I think about you is that I can never figure out if you’re a bad guy wrapped in a good guy costume or the other way around.

Listen.

I have started to notice something: How little people truly listen to one another. The other day I was watching a couple of friends having a conversation. It was a simple, friendly conversation--nothing too negative or horrific. But I started recognizing that they were all focusing on getting their own point across rather than having a real conversation. You know, when one person speaks, the other one listens and gives feedback, then the other responds with personal experiences. It amazes me that basic communication skills seem to be lacking in our society. Since Kenya, my awareness of listening has been heightened. It is become increasingly more important to me that a person possesses this trait of being a good listener. I have become almost excited when I find that there are other people out there who do include themselves into the "listener" category!
Now, I realize I am at fault here. Do not get me wrong, I am by no means a perfect listener. I was raised in a family where it is more important to be heard out loud, to make your point, than to listen. I love my family, but this act of listening is not a strong suit for us. It's okay, I am working on them :). And although this has been both an asset and a detriment in my life, it is what it is. It has enhanced my ability to provide feedback to others when they need it. It has given me the opportunity to speak my mind when others are too afraid to speak up. However, it has also deterred certain relationships because I get a little too into a conversation and overcompensate by speaking too often. And sometimes, others may back down when this happens. Instead of fighting back, they will go back into their shell and not say anything.
There are always exceptions. And this topic definitely has some. There are certainly times when we, as humans, need to just talk. We need someone to sit there and listen to us whine, complain, vent, or utter irrational, confusing, things in between our sobs. And that is okay. Conversely, there are times when we just don't WANT to talk. We'd rather sit back and listen and not say anything. However, as a general rule, I think we all could do a little better at listening (myself included).
I personally believe that there are three things humans want: to be heard, understood, and loved. One of the most difficult circumstances is when people are hearing what you are saying, but are not reciprocating the need for security or feedback in the conversation. It's sometimes hurtful when they are hearing the words that are coming out of your mouth, but they are not particularly listening to the meaning behind it. All we want (particularly women) is to look at someone while saying "no" but have the other loved one know you really mean, "yes." When that other person knows in the middle of a conversation what you are really trying to say. THAT is what relationships are about. When you reach that point when you know the other person is not only hearing what you are saying, but it is completely understanding, which includes honest listening.
The Savior is an incredible example of a good, well... let me correct myself, perfect listener. Haha. He is always listening to what you have to say. 100% of the time. He is not texting when you talking to Him. He is not pretending to listen while thinking about that person who didn't call him. He is there. He truly cares about what you have to say. He wants to know your thoughts, your trials, your struggles, your opinions, your questions, on everything. And he ALWAYS responds. However, it may not be in the way that we are particularly wanting. But he is responding. And he is responding in a way that is exactly what we need in that moment. Because let's face it, sometimes we are less aware of ourselves--sometimes He knows us better. But just like our every day conversations here on earth, we need to be ready to hear what the other person has to say. If you are going to talk with someone and you want an honest conversation, be ready to hit that curve ball they throw.
So I propose this: let's all work a little more on talking WITH each other rather than TO each other.

Oh, and for psychological purposes (people are more willing to read something if it has a picture than just writing itself) I give you another beautiful picture from Africa. This is of the little girls doing a tribal dance. They wear these congas as skirts.



What do YOU think?

All love,
Sierra.