I don't think I have had a good night's sleep in about five days.
(I mean, I slept last night because I took a Tylenol PM. But then I woke this morning absolutely delirious.Drugs work, people.)
I'm exhausted. I'm physically, emotionally, and mentally drained. I am so completely tired, my emotions are exponentially heightened, which doesn't help. At all.
As my sister says, I'm a "drama queen" so it really just jumbles together, right? I have written and re-written this post over and over again because nothing I type seems to appropriately express the rawness of this situation. Every single time I turn on my car, a song comes on that is
too relatable. I can't watch a movie without taking every single act of strength to not let a tear come out. I cannot even log onto stupid Facebook without constantly being reminded. Every single time my phone goes off, my heart stops for a second. Half of my heart wants it to be him and the other half wants him to be completely erased from my life. Reading this perfect
post from Erin didn't help either (so well written though, girl!).
I had a great day yesterday. Wonderful, actually. I realized that I am surrounded by so many incredible friends. I don't think my family members have called me this much in...well...ever. I realized that the Savior is here to help me through this. I met some new awesome bloggers (welcome new followers! You ladies are lovely!) I laughed. A lot. (More on all of this later). Yet, even through this wonderful day, even after I laid in my bed last night and reminded myself that "tomorrow is a new day!" I awoke this morning, feeling like I got hit by a bus. And no, it wasn't just because of the Tylenol PM.
Although that probably did have quite an affect. ha.
And here, my friends, is the cold, hard, blunt truth:
Break ups suck.
Profound, right?
I didn't know if this was something that I wanted the world to know because it's a little too "dramatic" (see what you've done to me now, Mckenna?) but then I realized something: This is MY blog. My LIFESTYLE blog. You want to read about life?
This is life. This is the real stuff. The awful, traumatizing, inexplicably dramatic workings of life. So, I write. My feelings. My thoughts. My hardships. You don't have to read this blog. After all, isn't this how people relate? This is how humans work. When you understand, even if it's just a little bit, what someone else is going through, that's when we connect. And my dear reader, I love, more than anything, to connect with others. So I hope this will allow you to understanding my current situation.
Here's some more reasons about why I am writing about this:
-I am sick of talking about it. I don't want to
talk about it anymore. Talking about it, saying it all out loud, just makes me anxious about my current situation and my future.
-Writing is therapeutic for me. That's why I started this blog. To get things down. Writing this helps me analyze it in my brain. It allows me to say what I need to say and possibly release the anxiety, sadness, and stress that is associated with my current state. Sometimes I fear that I'm turning into
that girl. You know that crazy ex who is far too emotional? Yea, that's why I'm writing this. So that I can get it out HERE and not in real life. Make sense? Haha.
I understand that some people will probably hate me for this. But, for once, I am doing this for ME.
Long story made short: I met this boy Summer of 2010. We will call him: Ethan. Found out that he was a pre missionary. I was pissed. I, then, told myself that it was just a summer fling and was going to have a romantic, short thing. Uh, well, yea, we fell in love. Hard core. He left on a mission for my church. My heart broke. He comes home in 7 months. I'm still writing him. I still love him.
Fast forward to current day: I met this boy. We will call him: Blake. A mutual friend has been trying to set us up for months. We text, call, Skype every day. I am completely smitten. Completely. He flies out to Utah.
Literally one of the best weekends of my life. I have never fallen for someone, I have never had a connection with someone, more than I had with Blake. I am not even going to try to explain what the connection was. For me, at least. It was like a movie. I didn't know that feelings, connections, like those (these?) existed. I always made fun of people in these situations, until I hugged Blake the second that I saw him. I'm pretty sure my mouth hurt from smiling so much. I was completely myself around him. I found that my walls were broken very quickly. We decided to try it out. We jumped in quick, yes, but it worked. It just worked.
I'm not entirely sure what happened. A minor freak out happened on Saturday. (I still wonder what would have happened if I had not reacted in the way that I did?) Essentially what happened was he found himself falling hard for me and he was scared. He lives in another state. And I live in Utah. Our relationship was at a point where it needed to progress and that couldn't happen when we were living a thousand miles apart (and we will not be living near each other anytime soon). He, also, explained that he, essentially, was not going to continue to fall for me and then have me say goodbye for Ethan in 7 months.
I understand Blake's concerns. He does not want to put his whole heart into something when I could say peace out in the near future. And it is very difficult to continue to fall for someone when you live so far apart.
And this is where my head and heart clash.
My heart says:
if he really wanted to be with me, if he really wanted me bad enough, if he really wanted to fight for me, he wouldn't give up on me. And that's how I feel. I feel like he has completely, utterly, given up on me.
My head says:
Take your space. Take your time. You guys can continue to get to know each other. You don't know what could happen in the near future.
You know what I have decided? To follow both. I still have so many feelings for him. I do. I do not have to make a decision in my life right now. I do not have to say goodbye to anybody at this moment.
It's very difficult to have that kind of passion, that kind of chemistry, have all of those feelings for someone and than to take a step back in a relationship. I have just found that it, often times, does not work out. I'm not entirely sure why. It just doesn't. But, unlike him,
I'm willing to fight. Does this make me crazy? Probably. But this is the fair balance of following my head
and my heart.
But, then here's how I feel right now:
I feel like I'm in the process of the grieving stage. It's quite strange, really. One minute, I will be totally, completely, at peace with the entire situation. And literally, minutes later, I will fall apart. You know that sadness where you fall to the floor, your heart feels like it's broken into two pieces, and you cannot fathom getting up? Yea...that....My emotions are on edge. I'm on edge. I feel like I could fall apart at any given moment. I feel like a zombie half the time. I'm not hungry, but when I am, I only want a Diet Coke and carbs. It is very weird to not have someone to talk to at all times. It's hard not having someone to tell stories to. It's hard not to have that connection with someone. Ya know? Heart broken. Its hard. There are times when I feel like I got hit by a bus. Like I have said before,
unrequited love, may be one of the hardest feelings in the entire world.
The situation is a little more difficult than that, but the inner workings are things that can only be felt and not explained. I miss Blake. I do. But I also miss Ethan. I said it. And
missing somebody may be the second hardest human emotion. Try missing two people.
Yet, through this whole mess, this is what I've learned:
-How lucky am I? That I have been so blessed to actually
feel these things. To understand what it means to have that kind of chemistry, passion, connection and love towards someone else? To learn from another human being, to be able to work on yourself and your relationships with a member of the opposite sex? Some people never have that experience. And no matter what happens, I am grateful for Blake. Blake is wonderful. Truly. And whether Blake or Ethan, or neither, are in my life in the future, I am grateful that I am becoming stronger through this experience. I am learning so much about trusting in the Lord's will. I am reading my patriarchal blessing and trying to find what is the best thing in my life. I am learning that I need to stop looking so far into the future, but to just try to love in the moment.
-Love is a risk. And you have to be willing to get hurt.
Don't be afraid to fall in love. There is nothing wrong with pain. It's okay to not be okay. You have to be willing to take the risk, even if it means there is a chance of heartache in the end. If you truly want someone, fight for them. It's that simple. I have taken some time to heal. It's kind of nice, really. I am finding what I really want.
-Being head over heels for someone is really amazing. But it can really suck if it's not being reciprocated. haha.
I do not know what's going to happen, but I do know that I am willing to fight. And that's what real strength is, right?
Please forgive me for the brutal honesty. Can you see my predicament?
It's hard to be wanted, but the wanting not really being reciprocated.
Does that sentence make any sense?
Probably not.
My head hurts. Too many emotions. Everywhere.
Sigh.
xoxo.
