This One Topic.

There's something exquisitely painful (yet also, liberating) about letting someone go. Of realizing that you don't need them in your life. And even though you have spent hours, days, even months, thinking about this person...those thoughts eventually begin to fade.

I have the tendency to fall for guys who don't reciprocate the same intense feelings as I do.

Let me rephrase that: I have seen a repeated pattern from myself of liking the proclaimed "jerks."
For the ones who won't commit. For the ones who don't necessarily treat me the way that I deserve. Why is that? Because of one reason:

Nice guys scare me.

I am intense.
I am sometimes a little too much to handle.
I feel things way too deeply.
I'm loud. I'm crazy.
And I don't want a guy I feel like I can walk all over. Often times, it's the "nice guys" whom I tend to control, mostly because they let me.

But I've turned over a new leaf.

I have realized that a part of the reason why I like the "jerks" (and sometimes that's putting it nicely) is because I'M doing something wrong.

I used to put all the blame on past guys I've dated--their mistakes, their lack of growth, their cocky behavior. But I had an "ah-ha" moment the other day. (Note: I just watched Inception. Best movie EVER. I seriously cannot stop thinking about serious topics and my life and my reality since watching it. Hence this blog post. ha)

Realization: I am not working on myself enough.

[How does this correlate? ]

I have found recently that I have been in a funk.

I feel stuck.

And it's because I don't feel any progression internally.

I've been going through the motions. I haven't been strengthening my testimony, I haven't been doing anything super productive (outwardly or inwardly), I have been selfish and only thinking of myself.

And we all know that without progression, regression happens.

And that is about to change NOW.

I won't be able to move on from past relationships, I won't be able to have future relationships, if I stop my physical, mental, emotional, spiritual growth.

I will continue falling into the trap of unhealthy relationships unless I change the actions I am currently taking.

Moving on, in my opinion, is one of the biggest indicators of strength. Past mistakes or behaviors don't define us; they refine us.

I am currently trying to get out of the quicksand of laziness.

I've been here before.

And I have gotten out of that mode of depression.
I know I can do it again.
With strength and consistent effort, I have already begun to see tiny baby steps of attaining my potential.

I am getting out of the quicksand that always seems to reappear in my life.

And once I get out of it, that is when wings appear and the jerks disappear.
THAT'S when I move on.

The Most Wonderful Time of Year!

I don't care what the Christmas song says...SUMMER is the most wonderful time of year.
(Christmas time is a close second)

Update! My Oregon Summer thus far:

Went to my favorite place on this earth: my cabin.

Followed tradition and went to the 4th of July St. Paul Rodeo with my home girls.

And it rained. The entire time. (hence the umbrella and exquisitely wet, dog-like hair)
P.S. I have really a pretty best friend, huh?
ha.ha. Love you, Mufasa.

Lanny came home from his mission.

The Ainge Gang took yet another awkward family picture. YAY.


Spent time with the fam.
And took more awkward pictures with them.

Yours truly ran in Epic Relays (3 miles baby! In this attire. At night. Boom)
(Do you sense the awkwardness pattern yet?)

Went BOATING.
FYI: I can now go in and out of the wake. What. Bring it.
Awkward. Again. Weird. Yet, super classic. Agreed?

Went swimming.
Hey, took really good pictures then too.

Spent time with my friends ON the boat.
And what do you know? Took MORE really good pictures with them, too.

I think it would be safe to say that the following conclusions should be notified to you all:

A. I took horribly awkward, yet quite entertaining pictures.
B. My summer has been awesome.


(more awkwardly awesome pictures to come. Shocking, I know)

Double Whammy.

Today must be a popular day to birth a child.
This is a double whammy post for two very important women in my life: My best friend, Maria and my big sister, Briawna.

This is Maria Charise Cardenaz. My bestest friend.

I love...

Her crazy makeup/outfit choices.

Her sense of humor.

Her willingness to always act crazy with me.

Her smile.

Her ability to love. EVERYONE.
Her obedience to the gospel.
Her hard work.
Her beautiful face.
Her randomness.
Her major freak outs.
Her empathy.
Her giggle.
Her cooking skills.

Ria, you are my best friend. I always got your back. Thank you for your example, love and friendship. Have an incredible birthday baby girl!
I love you a million reeses pieces. (x9)

AND.

This is Briawna Leigh Ainge Hugh. My older sister.

I love...

Her absolute, unfathomable, fierce loyalty to her family and kids.

Her adoration for words and literature. I wish I could read a book half as fast as she can. And still obtain all of it's content. Ha.

Her focus. She sets her mind and follows through with it.

Her role as my second mother. I know she didn't really have the choice to be my second mother, but I want her to know that I truly do appreciate it. And she did do a pretty good job if I do say so myself. :)
Her goofiness. She is always willing to laugh.
Her sheer obedience to the gospel.
Her watching Glee, So You Think You Can Dance, and The Bachelorette with me.
Her beautifulness.
Her creativity.
Her cooking skills (I'm really going to miss those sunday meals)
Her allowing to me come over and crash her apartment often.
Her example.

Happy Birthday, BriWAna! Thank you for sleeping with me as a little girl and dealing with my kicking, thank you for your example, and your love. I love you.

INFP

This past weekend at the cabin we had a LONG four hour talk over brain types. Somehow, whenever Mckenna comes into town, the topic of conversation always turns to this fascinating subject. I have begun to study brain types more and have become decent at pointing out what particular people are.

My brain type is INFP.

Want to know more about me? Read the following:

INFPs are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves

INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things.

Generally thoughtful and considerate, INFPs are good listeners and put people at ease. They are genuinely interested in understanding people. This sincerity is sensed by others, making the INFP a valued friend and confidante. An INFP can be quite warm with people he or she knows well.

INFPs do not like conflict. If they must face it, they will always approach it from the perspective of their feelings. In conflict situations, INFPs place little importance on who is right and who is wrong. They focus on the way that the conflict makes them feel, and indeed don't really care whether or not they're right. They don't want to feel badly. This trait sometimes makes them appear irrational and illogical in conflict situations. On the other hand, INFPs make very good mediators, and are typically good at solving other people's conflicts, because they intuitively understand everyone's perspectives and feelings, and genuinely want to help them.

In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause.

Very high standards for themselves and others. Consequently, they are usually hard on themselves, and don't give themselves enough credit. In group situations, they may have a "control" problem. Many INFP's struggle with depression because they think will never be happy with themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do with their lives.

Talented writers (hence the blog ha). They have a wonderful ability to define and express what they're feeling on paper. INFPs also appear frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching. They are at their best in situations where they're working towards the public good, and in which they don't need to use hard logic.

INFP's are the daydreamers in our society. They are the imaginative, creative beings. They are often the musicians, the artists, the actors and writers. Normally, they are reserved in real life and are constantly surprisingly others by thriving on stage. Though not competitive in everyday life, if you get them on a sports field, INFP's will become overly competitive and quite aggressive if needed. They work hard to win a game whether it be a board game or athletic event. This is where the perfectionist side comes into play.

INFPs present a pleasant face to the world. They appear to be tranquil and peaceful to others, with simple desires. In fact, the INFP internally feels his or her life intensely. In the relationship arena, this causes them to have a very deep capacity for love and caring which is not frequently found with such intensity in the other types. The INFP does not devote their intense feelings towards just anyone, and are relatively reserved about expressing their inner-most feelings. They reserve their deepest love and caring for a select few who are closest to them. INFPs are generally laid-back, supportive and nurturing in their close relationships. They're very sensitive and in-tune with people's feelings. Slow to trust others and cautious in the beginning of a relationship, an INFP will be fiercely loyal once they are committed. With their strong inner core of values, they are intense individuals who value depth and authenticity in their relationships. They will be uncharacteristically harsh and rigid in an offensive situation.

Tremendous loyalty and commitment to their relationships. If they are not involved in such a relationship, the INFP will be either actively searching for one, or creating one in their own minds.

INFPs tendency to be idealistic and romantically-minded may cause them to fantasize frequently about a "more perfect" relationship or situation. They are constantly looking for "something more."

INFPs are not naturally interested in administrative matters such as bill-paying and house-cleaning, but they can be very good at performing these tasks when they must. They can be really good money managers when they apply themselves.

One real problem area for the INFP is their intensive dislike of conflict and criticism. The INFP is quick to find a personal angle in any critical comment, whether or not anything personal was intended. They will tend to take any sort of criticism as a personal attack on their character, and will usually become irrational and emotional in such situations.

Their dislike of conflict and criticism can foretell doom and gloom for intimate relationships. These INFPs will react with extreme emotional distress to conflict situations, and will not know what to do about it. Since they will have no basis for determining what action to take, they will do whatever they can to get rid of the conflict - which frequently means lashing out irrationally at others, or using guilt manipulation to get their mates to give them the positive support that they crave. This kind of behavior does not bode well for healthy, long-term relationships. Individuals who recognize this tendency in themselves should work on their ability to take criticism objectively rather than personally. They should also try to remember that conflict situations are not always their fault, and they're definitely not the end of the world. Conflict is a fact of life, and facing it and addressing it immediately avoids having to deal with it in the future, after it has become a much larger problem.

INFPs are very aware of their own space, and the space of others. They value their personal space, and the freedom to do their own thing. The INFP is not likely to be overly jealous or possessive, and is likely to respect their mate's privacy and independence. In fact, the INFP is likely to not only respect their mate's perspectives and goals, but to support them with loyal firmness.

In general, INFPs are warmly affirming and loving partners who make the health of their relationships central in their lives. Although cautious in the beginning, they become firmly loyal to their committed relationships, which are likely to last a lifetime. They take their relationships very seriously, and will put forth a great deal of effort into making them work.

deep internal values; idealistic, romantic, appears calm; generally reticent; creative, avoids conflict, sensitive, aware of others’ feelings; sacrificial, welcomes new ideas; flexible, interested in learning and writing; composer; language skilled.

So there you have it. A very LONG explanation of my complicated self. Make sense now? :)

What is YOUR brain type?